The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
please come you make the beer taste better
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he puts the penis in happiness.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
love makes seman taste better
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I heard we made out
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Life is so much better after having sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.