Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
"it" just moved
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.