i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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