Texts From Last Night · Cessy's Favorites

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Cessy's Favorites Texts:

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09

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(818): View more from California

xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls

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(702): View more from Nevada

you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

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(903): View more from Texas

And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

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(407): View more from Florida

She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.

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(323): View more from California

Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.

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(408): View more from California

I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

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(501): View more from Arkansas

His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.

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(913): View more from Kansas

so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex

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(979): View more from Texas

The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick

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(714): View more from California

Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life

(714): View more from California

It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me

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(248): View more from Michigan

Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.

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(729): View more from

Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

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(914): View more from New York

I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "

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(586): View more from Michigan

I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises

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(925): View more from California

Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.

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(713): View more from Texas

it is shots o' clock and I am never late

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(256): View more from Alabama

I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(716): View more from New York

BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(+81): View more from

He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????

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(303): View more from Colorado

These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(847): View more from Illinois

He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants

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(954): View more from Florida

She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.

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(386): View more from Florida

At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.

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(585): View more from New York

Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?

(1-585): View more from New York

Or possibly end in a restraining order?

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(510): View more from California

How do we stop her downward spiral?

(1-510): View more from California

Wine. For us.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(317): View more from Indiana

Regret, thy taste is box wine.

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(512): View more from Texas

You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad

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(602): View more from Arizona

I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors

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(425): View more from Washington

I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(360): View more from Washington

I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.

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(207): View more from Maine

Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg his dad is hot

(410): View more from Maryland

... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(713): View more from Texas

So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): View more from Texas

I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!

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(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him

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(519): View more from Ontario

If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

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(614): View more from Ohio

I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(503): View more from Oregon

Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly

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(440): View more from Ohio

Made up a full house drinking game

(216): View more from Ohio

On my way.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.

(804): View more from Virginia

This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.

(804): View more from Virginia

You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Sadly that explains a lot.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and you were wondering how she got into Harvard

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(802): View more from Vermont

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

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(303): View more from Colorado

Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.

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(559): View more from California

I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right

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(226): View more from Ontario

He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys

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(315): View more from New York

Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!

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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(630): View more from Illinois

I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.

(419): View more from Ohio

You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

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(477): View more from

He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship

(1-503): View more from Oregon

A tequila worm?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego

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(585): View more from New York

seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs

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(618): View more from Illinois

ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL

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(607): View more from New York

Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(818): View more from California

Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

someone needs to name a hurricane after you

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(210): View more from Texas

Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.

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(562): View more from California

I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(616): View more from Michigan

orgasmnado...tomorrow night

(1-616): View more from Michigan

That's what I'm talking about

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.

(575): View more from New Mexico

Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.

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(810): View more from Michigan

in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Was it a good conversation?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was an awkward, sexual conversation.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

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(212): View more from New York

When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday

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(701): View more from North Dakota

And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold

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(843): View more from South Carolina

As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.

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(941): View more from Florida

That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.

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(407): View more from Florida

I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(214): View more from Texas

Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.

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(518): View more from New York

I can't help that I bring out the sex in people

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(305): View more from Florida

Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.

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(904): View more from Florida

thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon

(850): View more from Florida

Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found

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(330): View more from Ohio

You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I think that about sums it up, actually.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.

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(646): View more from New York

Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets

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(719): View more from Colorado

I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.

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(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(410): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(718): View more from New York

Barsexuality is the new black.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.

(540): View more from Virginia

I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(916): View more from California

Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(440): View more from Ohio

By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(901): View more from Tennessee

All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.

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(512): View more from Texas

And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes

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(917): View more from New York City

Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.

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(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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