I just threw up on my dentist
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
