She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
My breasts were aching with rage.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's blow job season.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Your cock deserves a montage
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon†
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.¬†
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think a kid would responsible me up
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".