I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
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