Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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