Texts From Last Night · jane0876's Favorites

Sorry iilovezdixie hasn't picked any favorites yet.

jane0876's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

Fav 9 3913 1385
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

Fav 24 5699 1803
share tweet

(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

Fav 24 5793 1016
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

Fav 27 1214 3148
share tweet
(310): View more from California

you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

Fav 21 5167 1471
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

Fav 24 6755 1517
share tweet

(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

Fav 61 1280 11307
share tweet

(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

Fav 36 10315 1714
share tweet
(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

Fav 113 8285 1575
share tweet
(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

Fav 13 4754 1371
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

Fav 49 8103 2557
share tweet

(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

Fav 6 3614 1145
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

Fav 46 18261 2077
share tweet
(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

Fav 32 3840 1212
share tweet

(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6363 1505
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.

Fav 10 938 1888
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.

Fav 7 2709 1203
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

Fav 12 3784 1175
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11272 1739
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

Fav 30 1262 2476
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

Fav 14 5714 2915
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

Fav 4 7469 1565
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

Fav 7 1502 3213
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9163 1685
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

Fav 20 2352 3793
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2013
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.

Fav 21 1206 3938
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

Fav 6 5138 1041
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog

Fav 23 947 4360
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

Fav 32 6039 2148
share tweet
(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

Fav 11 4952 884
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

Fav 18 5710 1315
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.

Fav 6 3856 803
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

Fav 12 1739 856
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

Fav 6 4222 1297
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

Fav 11 4637 1708
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

Fav 19 4737 2228
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

Fav 19 13340 1449
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

Fav 18 7323 1288
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

Fav 37 4306 895
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

Fav 55 9948 1751
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

Fav 9 3955 1210
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

Fav 9 4182 1275
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

Fav 56 6857 1659
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

Fav 19 7892 1294
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

Fav 74 1220 5257
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

Fav 16 5398 1185
share tweet
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Fav 28 8139 1044
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

Fav 18 1507 1028
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

Fav 35 4434 918
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

Fav 63 1500 5623
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

Fav 7 2433 989
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

Fav 6 5932 2075
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

Fav 16 2019 847
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

Fav 35 14334 1531
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

Fav 10 5984 1281
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

Fav 13 4976 1302
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

Fav 15 8119 1220
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

Fav 5 1313 1406
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

Fav 20 5367 2448
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1539
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3054 1388
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.

Fav 144 10418 1008
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

Fav 38 7201 1070
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

i wish peter jackson would direct porn

Fav 14 4138 984
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

Fav 59 5518 1112
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

Fav 46 1113 3273
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

Fav 16 5289 1160
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

Fav 16 7042 1005
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

Fav 41 13008 1999
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13488 2854
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

Fav 24 1679 3459
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14630 1491
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.

Fav 1 1352 1665
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

Fav 77 4961 1189
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

Fav 16 5912 1355
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

Fav 14 2932 4918
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

Fav 67 8356 2639
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

Fav 34 7051 1322
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

Fav 10 2821 1265
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

Fav 16 3833 1646
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7850 1578
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6624 1293
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

Fav 22 1253 6129
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

Fav 67 2213 4895
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

Fav 51 9072 1590
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

Fav 12 2107 6353
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

Fav 6 1182 3932
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

Fav 32 5299 905
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

Fav 29 5295 2166
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

Fav 47 10716 1464
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2676 4950
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

Fav 19 6369 1345
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

Fav 40 1994 6097
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

Fav 46 7703 1929
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

Fav 25 2551 6032
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

Fav 20 6764 1478
share tweet
(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

Fav 10 1573 5282
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

Fav 21 1381 8352
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

Fav 103 3514 12852
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

Fav 23 4793 1692
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14906 1828
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

Fav 48 1152 5730
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

Fav 51 20490 1227
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

Fav 27 6047 1108
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?

Fav 36 883 1829
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.

Fav 26 1253 5677
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

Fav 10 6371 2066
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

Fav 11 6044 1654
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9388
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

Fav 19 1786 5730
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

Fav 7 6695 1364
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8976 1504
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

Fav 18 5214 2215
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

Fav 40 2073 6139
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3554 4326
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

Fav 14 4523 1230
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Fav 21 1352 6326
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

Fav 22 1297 12090
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3778
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.

Fav 11 2781 1363
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"

(219): View more from Indiana

I have so much to learn from you, wise slut

Fav 20 4054 1150
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

Fav 9 1311 1488
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

Fav 20 6418 1037
share tweet
(415): View more from California

mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

Fav 3 2792 829
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

Fav 50 1569 3091
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother

Fav 21 2493 814
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1246 2934
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

Fav 13 1273 1592
share tweet
(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

Fav 22 3858 1184
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4944 1778
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

Fav 53 7581 1199
share tweet
(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

Fav 21 6647 1118
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

Fav 104 24495 1398
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

Fav 26 7085 1149
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

Fav 8 1367 2856
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

Fav 12 10202 1205
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

Fav 14 6036 1029
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

Fav 51 6819 1025
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8203 1840
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.

Fav 8 3592 1366
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

Fav 37 7499 1060
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

capris are just wrong

(703): View more from Virginia

its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

Fav 55 1280 2850
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

Fav 52 4538 1299
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

Fav 21 5124 1079
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

Fav 12 6135 1038
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

Fav 37 8158 1826
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

i was rollin on her like bob the builder

Fav 3 2679 835
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Fav 33 13804 1896
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

Fav 21 1553 939
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

Fav 7 2052 903
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.

Fav 9 799 3064
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

Fav 25 2431 819
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.

Fav 4 1266 1284
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

Fav 23 1005 4694
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?

Fav 13 785 4546
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

Fav 18 1694 2544
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

Fav 17 4862 1553
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

Fav 37 5325 1607
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

Fav 58 8766 2501
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9043 1374
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3080 6023
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS

Fav 36 5324 1763
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.

Fav 39 5839 1833
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

Fav 4 1359 1542
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

Fav 41 4148 4765
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

Fav 7 4436 1034
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.

Fav 34 1688 952
share tweet
(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

Fav 41 2050 3604
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

Fav 64 17763 2112
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1751
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

Fav 58 18818 1508
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19507 4224
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

Fav 45 23935 1774
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

Fav 413 27020 4050
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45578 2413
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55474 5258
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131162 3914
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

Fav 357 1147 8372
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

Fav 240 2448 8895
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

Fav 59 1074 8809
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

Fav 72 2644 14973
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

Fav 47 1077 13592
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Fav 90 3044 23863
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

Fav 58 1184 8546
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

Fav 6 2984 1712
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

Fav 16 1943 5049
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

Fav 26 1911 4193
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

Fav 62 8295 1644
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?

Fav 153 3834 1460
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

Fav 70 3661 5509
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

Fav 22 3725 3692
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

Fav 20 1981 4836
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

Fav 72 10572 1123
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

Fav 62 18815 2675
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

Fav 44 3427 8336
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

Fav 37 7309 2080
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14062 1412
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

Fav 49 5828 1125
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

Fav 1 4224 1973
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

Fav 12 7938 2319
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

Fav 10 4438 1176
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5669 2256
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

Fav 11 1354 2304
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

Fav 5 861 3023
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

Fav 34 2764 6019
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7423 2466
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks

Fav 21 1360 3649
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

Fav 8 1410 1604
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

Fav 7 1638 781
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

Fav 56 6854 2588
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8448 3060
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

Fav 48 9947 1396
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28606 1841
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

Fav 25 7990 1661
share tweet
(949): View more from California

this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

Fav 48 1650 7867
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

Fav 131 6585 7807
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.

Fav 76 3761 2238
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

Fav 15 5756 951
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

Fav 10 3572 1179
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

Fav 39 1186 5551
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

Fav 17 6255 1071
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

Fav 67 12732 1760
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1722 6565
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

Fav 38 6240 1210
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.

Fav 23 3528 1077
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1618 6127
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

Fav 17 4347 835
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17355 1781
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

Fav 16 1060 2689
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

Fav 23 1943 1567
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

Fav 29 1868 2237
share tweet