You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Even my vagina gasped.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.