why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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