Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
