What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
i dont even know how to be here
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im so drunk with asians
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
your room smells of hookers.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He had some BAD nuttage
It's like cleavage......... but different
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.