my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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