My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
i'm really worried about him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just googled if crying burns calories
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I chose taco bell over sex...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.