It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
bring money and cleavage
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.