Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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