Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The beer is more important than you right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
birth control should be required to get into college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I love having hate sex.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed