This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
