also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Porn is love you can see.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish you could order shots online.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my being single is dangerous.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?