Texts From Last Night · JackPackage4's Favorites

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JackPackage4's Favorites Texts:

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(914): View more from New York

all she had left on were here heels. phone five

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(586): View more from Michigan

We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy

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(810): View more from Michigan

so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy

(734): View more from Michigan

what about the blowjobs for adderall?

(810): View more from Michigan

no those are still okay

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

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(517): View more from Michigan

If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself

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(616): View more from Michigan

His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

(616): View more from Michigan

He did it well too

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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(253): View more from Washington

Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.

(706): View more from Georgia

Try anal, it works wonders.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(972): View more from Texas

Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(516): View more from New York

My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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(317): View more from Indiana

she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(585): View more from New York

you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(386): View more from Florida

Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"

(1-386): View more from Florida

You're going home with him aren't you?

(386): View more from Florida

I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

..im mad u rememberd about that

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(214): View more from Texas

Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life

(501): View more from Arkansas

3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(913): View more from Kansas

girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.

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(407): View more from Florida

he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

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(301): View more from Maryland

Define "chronic" masturbator.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Why?

(480): View more from Arizona

'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(404): View more from Georgia

can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(216): View more from Ohio

She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(949): View more from California

just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(207): View more from Maine

hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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