I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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