No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's Friday. Sex?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
this will be a night to untag.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.