I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How drunk are you??
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
high people should be assigned attendants
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm so fucking centered right now
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?