Texts From Last Night · boredandconfused's Favorites

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(760): View more from California

Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself

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(903): View more from Texas

And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(586): View more from Michigan

How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(516): View more from New York

guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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(813): View more from Florida

I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You're the horniest male I have ever encountered

(404): View more from Georgia

Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

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(216): View more from Ohio

For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

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(320): View more from Minnesota

For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

The apocalypse has arrived.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(936): View more from Texas

If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"

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(562): View more from California

He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out

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(219): View more from Indiana

You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.

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(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.

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(+46): View more from Sweden

Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving

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(609): View more from New Jersey

jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So how was the sex with me last night?

(703): View more from Virginia

No worse than usual.

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(719): View more from Colorado

id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...

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(703): View more from Virginia

The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(816): View more from Missouri

You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex

(816): View more from Missouri

...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(315): View more from New York

Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought

(1-315): View more from New York

Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.

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(214): View more from Texas

Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(561): View more from Florida

Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.

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(760): View more from California

I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants

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(434): View more from Virginia

i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do u remember buying that

(732): View more from New Jersey

I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal

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(928): View more from Arizona

Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.

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(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

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(646): View more from New York

Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(954): View more from Florida

direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(845): View more from New York

The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us

(845): View more from New York

I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god

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(916): View more from California

Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(757): View more from Virginia

Did I run away from you last night?

(240): View more from Maryland

Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!

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(312): View more from Illinois

I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing

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(303): View more from Colorado

New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."

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(406): View more from Montana

She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(407): View more from Florida

I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.

(646): View more from New York

LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on

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(727): View more from Florida

How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(850): View more from Florida

For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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(480): View more from Arizona

If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(205): View more from Alabama

No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Can I get that on a shirt

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table

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(708): View more from Illinois

Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.

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(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON

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(785): View more from Kansas

Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats Poetry

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(858): View more from California

Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

(1-858): View more from California

next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(909): View more from California

is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(562): View more from California

I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.

(416): View more from Toronto

You are not an adult

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(305): View more from Florida

We have so much sex to catch up on

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(917): View more from New York City

That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(551): View more from New Jersey

She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.

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(707): View more from California

Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(940): View more from Texas

I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(760): View more from California

Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

(432): View more from Texas

You're so wise.

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(309): View more from Illinois

And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

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(925): View more from California

I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"

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(646): View more from New York

I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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(813): View more from Florida

It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): View more from New York

That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(903): View more from Texas

Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

(936): View more from Texas

You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(206): View more from Washington

Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

(1-206): View more from Washington

That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(928): View more from Arizona

It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

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(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(469): View more from Texas

I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(817): View more from Texas

Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.

(682): View more from Texas

Oh yum

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me

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(949): View more from California

You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you texted me "dude im face"

(301): View more from Maryland

it sounded so right at the time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're gonna judge me.

(303): View more from Colorado

Howd you sleep with him already

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a pro at the other 9-5

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(+02): View more from

I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex

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(+33): View more from France

He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands

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(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(630): View more from Illinois

Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how can getting a pizza be this hard?

(817): View more from Texas

when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(404): View more from Georgia

The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

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(301): View more from Maryland

"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.

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(925): View more from California

Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities

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(206): View more from Washington

Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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