jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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