907AK907's Favorites Texts:

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  (239): View more from Florida

  Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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  (239): Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot... http://tfl.nu/oqxd
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  (206): View more from Washington

  she told me i tasted like america

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  (206): she told me i tasted like america http://tfl.nu/ed46
  Replies (31) Good night (7727) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
  Replies (41) Good night (14880) Bad night (1011) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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  (231): Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk. http://tfl.nu/0k6c
  Replies (5) Good night (4506) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

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  (337): I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed. http://tfl.nu/us0c
  Replies (59) Good night (1845) Bad night (3515) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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  (361): At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now? http://tfl.nu/lbi5
  Replies (21) Good night (4353) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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  (703): im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off http://tfl.nu/2ezh
  Replies (63) Good night (1202) Bad night (9472) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again

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  (508): Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again http://tfl.nu/g8s7
  Replies (39) Good night (2773) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"

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  (772): i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?" http://tfl.nu/6u9j
  Replies (20) Good night (812) Bad night (3685) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26873) Bad night (4292) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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  (304): yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe. http://tfl.nu/4q4f
  Replies (13) Good night (5861) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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  (215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway... http://tfl.nu/qwxo
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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  (214): I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed. http://tfl.nu/5k49
  Replies (20) Good night (6662) Bad night (1077)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?

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  (443): Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help? http://tfl.nu/kek4
  Replies (8) Good night (1122) Bad night (2785) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
  Replies (29) Good night (6939) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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  (952): he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/uw0a
  Replies (28) Good night (5074) Bad night (572)
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  (831): View more from California

  i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

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  (831): i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse. http://tfl.nu/jxr4
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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  (240): Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug" http://tfl.nu/c6tu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM

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  (330): mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM http://tfl.nu/ia9w
  Replies (27) Good night (8467) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
  Replies (77) Good night (51902) Bad night (2025) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood

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  (336): the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood http://tfl.nu/dx4f
  Replies (52) Good night (4218) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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  (978): benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are. http://tfl.nu/ifpr
  Replies (4) Good night (4825) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
  Replies (44) Good night (21033) Bad night (939)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream

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  (203): Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream http://tfl.nu/mtat
  Replies (23) Good night (577) Bad night (4468) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
  Replies (32) Good night (18032) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...

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  (717): If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one... http://tfl.nu/slb8
  Replies (23) Good night (5779) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.

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  (732): the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam. http://tfl.nu/4l2e
  Replies (26) Good night (990) Bad night (6278) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands

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  (773): smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands http://tfl.nu/8z3t
  Replies (98) Good night (4515) Bad night (659)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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  (901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching. http://tfl.nu/ljur
  Replies (21) Good night (1727) Bad night (8189) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
  Replies (53) Good night (9015) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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  (631): You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu http://tfl.nu/9ul0
  Replies (14) Good night (2281) Bad night (3914) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.

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  (631): i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to. http://tfl.nu/8bc1
  Replies (6) Good night (4246) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  hows the new call of duty?

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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  (207): hows the new call of duty? (1-207): I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome. http://tfl.nu/zewm
  Replies (78) Good night (5430) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

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  (716): I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad. http://tfl.nu/80p7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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  (401): the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH. http://tfl.nu/dbk1
  Replies (45) Good night (6683) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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  (302): It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it. http://tfl.nu/3oo8
  Replies (17) Good night (639) Bad night (5648) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.

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  (814): i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit. http://tfl.nu/riqs
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  (916): View more from California

  this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.

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  (916): this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her. http://tfl.nu/xmhd
  Replies (26) Good night (4834) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

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  (407): Me and my dog bond so much when im high. http://tfl.nu/9nf2
  Replies (66) Good night (7292) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

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  (301): I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined http://tfl.nu/iip9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

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  (301): We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope. http://tfl.nu/4d9q
  Replies (28) Good night (5279) Bad night (472)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

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  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
  Replies (60) Good night (12177) Bad night (738)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.

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  (404): alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night. http://tfl.nu/ialt
  Replies (43) Good night (498) Bad night (4640) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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  (805): I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense. http://tfl.nu/syxd
  Replies (27) Good night (6899) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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  (248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth." http://tfl.nu/c9w9
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype

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  (515): You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype http://tfl.nu/ca23
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  (408): View more from California

  Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

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  (408): Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand http://tfl.nu/h440
  Replies (31) Good night (4727) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
  Replies (21) Good night (5309) Bad night (801)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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  (770): I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass. http://tfl.nu/0fum
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.

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  (413): she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman. http://tfl.nu/lb9r
  Replies (19) Good night (1036) Bad night (4387)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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  (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk. http://tfl.nu/brrf
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
  Replies (55) Good night (7179) Bad night (1634)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  how do you have sooo much energy?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week

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  (703): how do you have sooo much energy? (571): billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week http://tfl.nu/czgq
  Replies (16) Good night (4318) Bad night (610)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142150) Bad night (9313) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.

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  (973): No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world. http://tfl.nu/0x21
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.

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  (954): You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone. http://tfl.nu/c0ys
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.

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  (540): I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed. http://tfl.nu/g7od
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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  (570): i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me http://tfl.nu/vizy
  Replies (38) Good night (5947) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.

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  (650): hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america. http://tfl.nu/xe1m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.

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  (203): i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse. http://tfl.nu/mns9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

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  (810): I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans. http://tfl.nu/8mn2
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (806): View more from Texas

  he shaved USA in his pubs

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  (806): he shaved USA in his pubs http://tfl.nu/vbz3
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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  (289): Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/ostc
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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  (724): yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism http://tfl.nu/kj7t
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar

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  (913): we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar http://tfl.nu/z6em
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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  (214): Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas. http://tfl.nu/702a
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  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
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  (716): View more from New York

  a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz

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  (716): a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz http://tfl.nu/ffgi
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home

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  (918): I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home http://tfl.nu/0qps
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

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  (770): next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth. http://tfl.nu/is4b
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have a girlfriend

  (847): View more from Illinois

  if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  no

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  (630): i have a girlfriend (847): if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend? (630): no http://tfl.nu/0yu4
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.

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  (706): If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america. http://tfl.nu/uk3q
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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  (859): I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me. http://tfl.nu/euxr
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

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  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
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  (442): View more from California

  seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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  (442): seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong http://tfl.nu/rvkg
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

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  (405): I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh! http://tfl.nu/nhcn
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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  (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said. http://tfl.nu/hb96
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.

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  (757): Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed. http://tfl.nu/t0jo
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  (207): View more from Maine

  in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

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  (207): in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask http://tfl.nu/lip1
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  If I was on drugs, this would be amazing

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  (404): If I was on drugs, this would be amazing http://tfl.nu/jwjt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (805): View more from California

  An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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  (805): An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice. http://tfl.nu/s7hm
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

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  (920): in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish http://tfl.nu/24oc
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

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  (937): I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub... http://tfl.nu/665a
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I could make treat bags

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  (785): Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson. (785): I could make treat bags http://tfl.nu/dekx
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  (760): View more from California

  Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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  (760): Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint. http://tfl.nu/71cw
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  (315): View more from New York

  You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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  (315): You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery? http://tfl.nu/9jay
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Did you just see the Batmobile???

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  (248): Did you just see the Batmobile??? http://tfl.nu/vqtz
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  (281): View more from Texas

  what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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  (281): what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish? http://tfl.nu/s2pv
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  are you going to last longer than 15 seconds

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  nope

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  (913): are you going to last longer than 15 seconds (1-913): nope http://tfl.nu/rdaj
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals

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  (517): new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals http://tfl.nu/6pha
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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  (610): i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window. http://tfl.nu/q9w7
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  (347): View more from New York

  i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours

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  (347): i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours http://tfl.nu/3wc8
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.

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  (660): And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this. http://tfl.nu/if6q
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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  (812): How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt? http://tfl.nu/qj8s
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  you're bored at work aren't you?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk

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  (571): you're bored at work aren't you? (703): I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk http://tfl.nu/77tj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny

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  (513): u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny http://tfl.nu/3xi0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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  (774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high http://tfl.nu/yu6x
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold

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  (908): Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold http://tfl.nu/axfw
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  (917): View more from New York City

  No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

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  (917): No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list. http://tfl.nu/e3d0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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  (908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do
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  (530): View more from California

  just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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  (530): just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life http://tfl.nu/64wx
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  (805): View more from California

  Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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  (805): Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are http://tfl.nu/ste8
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  (845): View more from New York

  Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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  (845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this. http://tfl.nu/o1x8
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

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  (509): I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me. http://tfl.nu/tzej
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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  (708): i dedicated my morning wood to you. http://tfl.nu/nbc4
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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  (416): dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening http://tfl.nu/ihge
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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  (917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/wa98
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

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  (513): just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned. http://tfl.nu/25dz
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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  (757): adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded. http://tfl.nu/ax04
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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  (651): i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen. http://tfl.nu/ur6p
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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  (908): Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner. http://tfl.nu/otz7
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  (516): View more from New York

  A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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  (516): A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/uye1
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.

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  (407): Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store. http://tfl.nu/m9df
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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  (847): How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women? http://tfl.nu/e8g0
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (407): View more from Florida

  he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around

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  (407): he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around http://tfl.nu/8mq7
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

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  (765): 4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84. http://tfl.nu/2w31
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  (585): View more from New York

  lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time

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  (585): lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time http://tfl.nu/tppe
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.

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  (812): sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city. http://tfl.nu/nl67
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final

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  (970): i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final http://tfl.nu/shle
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day

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  (913): I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day http://tfl.nu/fmap
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.

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  (404): Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio. http://tfl.nu/i1ck
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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  (843): He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat. http://tfl.nu/b45i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.

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  (970): I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides. http://tfl.nu/4pjs
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.

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  (901): can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you. http://tfl.nu/uemu
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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  (484): Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry http://tfl.nu/lyzu
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  class

  (574): View more from Indiana

  he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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  (574): some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous (1-574): class (574): he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson http://tfl.nu/2w68
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  (916): View more from California

  Michael Bay diarrhea

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  (916): Michael Bay diarrhea http://tfl.nu/1hpz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.

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  (917): Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard. http://tfl.nu/xsvt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are are

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

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  (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are are (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu (631): Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!! http://tfl.nu/6b8y
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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  (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa
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  (707): View more from California

  last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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  (707): last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll. http://tfl.nu/u5mu
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

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  (614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis. http://tfl.nu/937p
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (916): View more from California

  The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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  (916): The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless. http://tfl.nu/34a1
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
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  (516): View more from New York

  Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

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  (516): Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city. http://tfl.nu/k96c
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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  (757): im trying to make cookies in the george foreman http://tfl.nu/otmc
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on

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  (864): I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on http://tfl.nu/cdph
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Me specifically?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Yep.

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  (903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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  (252): he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox. http://tfl.nu/v0mm
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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  (717): where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from? http://tfl.nu/obbh
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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  (443): dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this... http://tfl.nu/lbrb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one

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  (908): considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one http://tfl.nu/66eb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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  (519): I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team.. http://tfl.nu/ngxj
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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  (803): Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door. http://tfl.nu/090e
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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  (419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl. http://tfl.nu/cxal
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Its only 8 and she is already passed out

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2

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  (702): Its only 8 and she is already passed out (1-702): Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2 http://tfl.nu/cu8c
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.

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  (618): id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga. http://tfl.nu/30m7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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  (216): guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight http://tfl.nu/30xi
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.

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  (808): i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/roae
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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  (253): Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life. http://tfl.nu/h3s9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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  (215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

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  (507): drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to http://tfl.nu/z3ca
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  (518): View more from New York

  I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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  (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese. http://tfl.nu/65in
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  (607): View more from New York

  I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

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  (607): I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie http://tfl.nu/m38d
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.

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  (702): yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark. http://tfl.nu/ahfc
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the new term for farting is butt boxing.

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  (505): the new term for farting is butt boxing. http://tfl.nu/pbdi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples

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  (317): She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples http://tfl.nu/mvdp
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I cockslap morals

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  (917): I cockslap morals http://tfl.nu/zqeh
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  (650): View more from California

  I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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  (650): I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now. http://tfl.nu/zi6o
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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  (612): all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high. http://tfl.nu/s4fq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  6 min

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  (215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers (1-215): 6 min http://tfl.nu/dx1s
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

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  (774): all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you" http://tfl.nu/p8m9
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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  (816): Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it http://tfl.nu/hlut
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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  (705): Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world. http://tfl.nu/0fm4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..

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  (617): Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.. http://tfl.nu/f1rc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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  (630): It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin http://tfl.nu/b3ck
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.

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  (281): Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high. http://tfl.nu/02yt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.

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  (586): we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path. http://tfl.nu/fhzw
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

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  (401): I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped. http://tfl.nu/rhrp
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  (817): View more from Texas

  this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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  (817): this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real http://tfl.nu/fl2e
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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  (828): Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end. http://tfl.nu/rcny
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  (914): View more from New York

  There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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  (914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone http://tfl.nu/hyr8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt

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  (352): You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt http://tfl.nu/6zpu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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  (708): he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet http://tfl.nu/enn5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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  (919): dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets. http://tfl.nu/v2g2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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  (703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain. http://tfl.nu/pmdt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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  (614): she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style http://tfl.nu/squ6
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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  (781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. http://tfl.nu/mkrc
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  (925): View more from California

  I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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  (925): I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker http://tfl.nu/8x3j
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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  (402): Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard. http://tfl.nu/co7z
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  (818): View more from California

  I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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  (818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch. http://tfl.nu/o7me
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point

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  (660): I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point http://tfl.nu/7cy0
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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  (815): man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed http://tfl.nu/08b9
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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  (770): At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit http://tfl.nu/qd4t
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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  (765): A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this. http://tfl.nu/a7q9
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.

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  (615): You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove. http://tfl.nu/nj9j
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  (310): View more from California

  When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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  (310): When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth http://tfl.nu/ve5l
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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  (917): i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him. http://tfl.nu/coq9
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  (914): View more from New York

  we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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  (914): we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was. http://tfl.nu/57fr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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  (519): Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle. http://tfl.nu/hct4
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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  (914): I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit". http://tfl.nu/lyvs
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

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  (251): Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance (303): It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime. http://tfl.nu/1z36
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  coke and sex party at dan's

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im watching greys anatomy with megan...

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  wha-pishhh

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  (973): coke and sex party at dan's (201): im watching greys anatomy with megan... (973): wha-pishhh http://tfl.nu/auvy
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

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  (604): she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me. http://tfl.nu/s0lh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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  (215): Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win. http://tfl.nu/ky57
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

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  (239): I wish I could drop acid with the muppets http://tfl.nu/kqkl
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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  (803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy http://tfl.nu/msis
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  (352): View more from Florida

  What are you doing?

  (352): View more from Florida

  High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

  (352): View more from Florida

  That guy could sell me cancer.

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  (352): What are you doing? (352): High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials... (352): That guy could sell me cancer. http://tfl.nu/gkwe
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.

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  (443): Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check. http://tfl.nu/gtrd
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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  (216): you turned your livingroom into a bong? http://tfl.nu/pj3a
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

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  (215): Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam? http://tfl.nu/4s96
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  (512): View more from Texas

  my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??

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  (512): my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college?? http://tfl.nu/kvis
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It smells like weed.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.

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  (303): It smells like weed. (720): We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed. http://tfl.nu/w4bb
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  (561): View more from Florida

  If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Agreed

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  (561): If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet. (1-561): Agreed http://tfl.nu/8njb
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

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  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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  (508): So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs. http://tfl.nu/eq7w
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
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  (650): View more from California

  I love my bros weed

  (650): View more from California

  Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though

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  (650): I love my bros weed (650): Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though http://tfl.nu/whw4
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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  (701): Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave? http://tfl.nu/y6y0
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

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  (513): Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere. http://tfl.nu/ay2u
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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  (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. http://tfl.nu/rq4b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (818): View more from California

  She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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  (818): She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs? http://tfl.nu/4vl4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air

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  (610): the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air http://tfl.nu/jv3m
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.

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  (647): a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much. http://tfl.nu/8vwu
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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  (734): I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit. http://tfl.nu/jg4n
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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  (573): shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls. http://tfl.nu/v89m
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

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  (919): um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign. (1-919): hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred. (919): my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted. http://tfl.nu/05eg
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.

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  (905): Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have. http://tfl.nu/x1lg
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  (858): View more from California

  When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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  (858): When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass http://tfl.nu/zzr1
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  super hot butfun

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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  (832): super hot butfun (832): Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make. http://tfl.nu/zsez
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  (858): View more from California

  You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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  (858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. http://tfl.nu/yzbr
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?

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  (954): You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom? http://tfl.nu/6goc
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .

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  (416): i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high . http://tfl.nu/d43n
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  (858): View more from California

  Umm I'm too high to move.

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  (858): Umm I'm too high to move. http://tfl.nu/ye5s
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  (408): View more from California

  420 ftw

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  (408): 420 ftw http://tfl.nu/c4kx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  you.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  oh yeah. preciate

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  (770): honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check? (1-770): you. (770): oh yeah. preciate http://tfl.nu/c7zk
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  (310): View more from California

  Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

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  (310): Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while? http://tfl.nu/my43
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  (206): View more from Washington

  A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings

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  (206): A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings http://tfl.nu/86t1
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.

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  (814): If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already. http://tfl.nu/owi8
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  (310): View more from California

  I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble

  (1-310): View more from California

  Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo

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  (310): I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble (1-310): Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo http://tfl.nu/rwvs
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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  (810): This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle http://tfl.nu/hm2k
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  (206): View more from Washington

  This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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  (206): This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it. http://tfl.nu/dmrx
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

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  (570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad http://tfl.nu/w1l4
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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  (330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going? http://tfl.nu/4uq9
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  that girl last night was a 15

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  wait she was 15?

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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  (413): that girl last night was a 15 (1-413): wait she was 15? (413): no like black jack not sure if you should hit it http://tfl.nu/qny1
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  (323): View more from California

  I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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  (323): I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village. http://tfl.nu/cmft
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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  (519): what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about? http://tfl.nu/blbh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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  (847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy http://tfl.nu/8awt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (530): View more from California

  You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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  (530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/48s1
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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  (423): NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog http://tfl.nu/kzjg
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.

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  (774): I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me. http://tfl.nu/t4sa
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I am coming home for anal

  (254): View more from Texas

  * a nap*

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  (254): I am coming home for anal (254): * a nap* http://tfl.nu/ou5x
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

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  (816): Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm. http://tfl.nu/bk02
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

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  (413): I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person? http://tfl.nu/zgr7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so he'll probably take me somewhere nice

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  (508): well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth (508): so he'll probably take me somewhere nice http://tfl.nu/ldxj
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