Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?