If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.