Texts From Last Night

mixxdcandyy's Favorites Texts:

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  (419): View more from Ohio

  If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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  (419): If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does. http://tfl.nu/2dp5
  Replies (4) Good night (2663) Bad night (1071) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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  (630): There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow.. http://tfl.nu/vffr
  Replies (19) Good night (1146) Bad night (3951) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.

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  (480): Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed. http://tfl.nu/mw5c
  Replies (2) Good night (664) Bad night (1578) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
  Replies (9) Good night (1083) Bad night (4087) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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  (816): She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it http://tfl.nu/ag4k
  Replies (8) Good night (2447) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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  (+44): We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in. http://tfl.nu/xqye
  Replies (8) Good night (3466) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.

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  (617): Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental. http://tfl.nu/3u9w
  Replies (4) Good night (835) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.

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  (561): He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant. http://tfl.nu/xyax
  Replies (8) Good night (2388) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...

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  (217): I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting... http://tfl.nu/eihm
  Replies (11) Good night (2254) Bad night (599) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

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  (815): Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas http://tfl.nu/uer1
  Replies (2) Good night (2441) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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  (330): All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold. http://tfl.nu/zmz2
  Replies (16) Good night (3298) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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  (651): professor came back from spring break missing a tooth http://tfl.nu/mzcn
  Replies (8) Good night (6795) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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  (702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on? http://tfl.nu/7zfe
  Replies (11) Good night (2533) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.

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  (702): we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey. http://tfl.nu/4jcm
  Replies (21) Good night (1094) Bad night (2087) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.

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  (563): I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay. http://tfl.nu/8krm
  Replies (3) Good night (583) Bad night (2499) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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  (864): he tried to breastfeed my turtle http://tfl.nu/mp5f
  Replies (15) Good night (1308) Bad night (2408) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!

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  (203): Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!! http://tfl.nu/1t5b
  Replies (20) Good night (1910) Bad night (1056) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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  (732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w
  Replies (6) Good night (3129) Bad night (1299) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.

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  (505): I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time. http://tfl.nu/7aud
  Replies (6) Good night (2166) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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  (914): my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip http://tfl.nu/6k4u
  Replies (11) Good night (1351) Bad night (4436) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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  (662): In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today" http://tfl.nu/6cpx
  Replies (30) Good night (1165) Bad night (7100) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended

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  (317): She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended http://tfl.nu/jhzt
  Replies (14) Good night (794) Bad night (2915) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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  (+44): Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out. http://tfl.nu/bww1
  Replies (11) Good night (5316) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.

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  (859): we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off. http://tfl.nu/uye4
  Replies (4) Good night (1903) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  anything for my little brother.

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  (440): thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet. (440): anything for my little brother. http://tfl.nu/0dq6
  Replies (6) Good night (4616) Bad night (488)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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  (717): i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego. http://tfl.nu/vgwh
  Replies (19) Good night (4287) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.

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  (903): Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week. http://tfl.nu/2lhm
  Replies (18) Good night (835) Bad night (2312) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.

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  (402): She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/qnwu
  Replies (4) Good night (1864) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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  (949): She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours? http://tfl.nu/0ch8
  Replies (13) Good night (3742) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

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  (253): So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..? http://tfl.nu/v5ou
  Replies (5) Good night (3102) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

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  (443): dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice. http://tfl.nu/lkbh
  Replies (5) Good night (1823) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

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  (270): Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail. http://tfl.nu/2ou5
  Replies (7) Good night (2658) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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  (619): It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/0yym
  Replies (7) Good night (3068) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary

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  (845): I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary http://tfl.nu/j2zc
  Replies (9) Good night (2118) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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  (210): He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now http://tfl.nu/2tm5
  Replies (11) Good night (4097) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.

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  (412): Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day. http://tfl.nu/ky2l
  Replies (5) Good night (1623) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.

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  (201): St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany. http://tfl.nu/1100
  Replies (3) Good night (705) Bad night (1751) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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  (516): matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed. http://tfl.nu/kzo6
  Replies (3) Good night (1738) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...

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  (480): It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless... http://tfl.nu/qugn
  Replies (8) Good night (1765) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom

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  (847): I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom http://tfl.nu/peqw
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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  (319): Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it http://tfl.nu/ymth
  Replies (22) Good night (2585) Bad night (1014) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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  (408): I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party. http://tfl.nu/m1aw
  Replies (6) Good night (2528) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?

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  (312): Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight? http://tfl.nu/82ga
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea

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  (484): Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea http://tfl.nu/f1ip
  Replies (5) Good night (1254) Bad night (1252) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.

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  (714): there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe. http://tfl.nu/faaw
  Replies (10) Good night (2232) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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  (732): 90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did http://tfl.nu/76ya
  Replies (9) Good night (2286) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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  (419): I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud. http://tfl.nu/pl89
  Replies (19) Good night (3612) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs

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  (414): Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs http://tfl.nu/zuhx
  Replies (6) Good night (2276) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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  (804): Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting http://tfl.nu/9m8j
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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  (215): There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am. http://tfl.nu/7bo4
  Replies (5) Good night (2924) Bad night (681)
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  (510): View more from California

  speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage

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  (510): speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage http://tfl.nu/2e5o
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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  (443): THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT. http://tfl.nu/04d2
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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  (719): Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right. http://tfl.nu/8sag
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  (716): View more from New York

  i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.

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  (716): i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious. http://tfl.nu/pkcy
  Replies (5) Good night (1993) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't think my arm is broken I can still text

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  (519): I don't think my arm is broken I can still text http://tfl.nu/umjz
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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  (267): he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice. http://tfl.nu/aht5
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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  (785): Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer. http://tfl.nu/7lxv
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  (323): View more from California

  Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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  (323): Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me http://tfl.nu/3sp3
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  (415): View more from California

  He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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  (415): He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her. http://tfl.nu/kc95
  Replies (16) Good night (3907) Bad night (1394) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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  (812): I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me. http://tfl.nu/7p9m
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.

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  (403): I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life. http://tfl.nu/sa3f
  Replies (4) Good night (2392) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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  (858): Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently? http://tfl.nu/merx
  Replies (7) Good night (3158) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

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  (949): I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever http://tfl.nu/w0x8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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  (512): I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time. http://tfl.nu/q10l
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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  (415): Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time. http://tfl.nu/wfi0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.

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  (402): I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back. http://tfl.nu/jjtt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with

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  (973): filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with http://tfl.nu/n2jg
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you

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  (740): Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you http://tfl.nu/m5id
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  (650): View more from California

  at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

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  (650): at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running http://tfl.nu/xnze
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  (916): View more from California

  She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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  (916): She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared. http://tfl.nu/d52d
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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  (989): Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember? http://tfl.nu/1p12
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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  (502): Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit. http://tfl.nu/13ky
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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  (513): Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu. http://tfl.nu/2u8z
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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  (336): as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love http://tfl.nu/xemn
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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  (780): downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning http://tfl.nu/3yhr
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me

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  (504): open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me http://tfl.nu/k62l
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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  (+44): Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night? http://tfl.nu/4ztl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now

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  (401): 5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now http://tfl.nu/dpww
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  It was like getting head from an anaconda

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  (419): It was like getting head from an anaconda http://tfl.nu/fnhr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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  (440): omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had http://tfl.nu/fpfu
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

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  (973): I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes. http://tfl.nu/85jv
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Even my vagina gasped.

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  (515): Even my vagina gasped. http://tfl.nu/5sis
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  (315): View more from New York

  Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...

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  (315): Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime... http://tfl.nu/v3a6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
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  (760): View more from California

  she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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  (760): she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse. http://tfl.nu/wf42
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

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  (303): Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds http://tfl.nu/arjt
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  (818): View more from California

  Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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  (818): Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/vry7
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom

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  (317): I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom http://tfl.nu/przj
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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  (316): I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock. http://tfl.nu/nmgr
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

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  (206): Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit. http://tfl.nu/8fs8
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.

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  (361): Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am. http://tfl.nu/g88o
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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  (908): Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet http://tfl.nu/o0c7
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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  (860): It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life. http://tfl.nu/wu6z
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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  (205): Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am. http://tfl.nu/dyri
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

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  (321): Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked. http://tfl.nu/cr3f
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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  (281): I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home. http://tfl.nu/pc90
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated

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  (520): It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated http://tfl.nu/m0r0
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

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  (434): Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing" http://tfl.nu/nbg8
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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  (406): He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage http://tfl.nu/22pw
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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  (701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38
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  (415): View more from California

  sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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  (415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?

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  (303): Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket? http://tfl.nu/im3g
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen

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  (814): we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen http://tfl.nu/nfcd
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.

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  (270): Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz. http://tfl.nu/48gp
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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  (203): I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards. http://tfl.nu/12q7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.

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  (815): just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays. http://tfl.nu/2pfb
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  (305): View more from Florida

  so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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  (305): so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/ez3t
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.

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  (832): My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking. http://tfl.nu/1gc1
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.

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  (+44): Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some. http://tfl.nu/rrxv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.

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  (724): He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever. http://tfl.nu/8ol6
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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  (402): if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you. http://tfl.nu/a1uo
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  (409): View more from Texas

  i wish i coudl send you meat via computure

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  (409): i wish i coudl send you meat via computure http://tfl.nu/wiw5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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  (724): The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape. http://tfl.nu/5pgg
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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  (775): Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window http://tfl.nu/dk3n
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I need you to use more vowels.

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  (812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent

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  (301): Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent http://tfl.nu/21ar
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

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  (941): Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us. http://tfl.nu/wjn1
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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  (402): Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?! http://tfl.nu/bwn3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork

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  (412): im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork http://tfl.nu/m3k8
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  (845): View more from New York

  Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

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  (845): Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary' http://tfl.nu/zqo1
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.

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  (262): Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour. http://tfl.nu/rkpz
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels

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  (613): you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels http://tfl.nu/5vyu
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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  (913): You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. http://tfl.nu/ise6
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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  (503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement. http://tfl.nu/wyat
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today

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  (708): hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today http://tfl.nu/usqr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

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  (919): Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar. http://tfl.nu/xoz4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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  (734): Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night.. http://tfl.nu/1tnp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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  (508): NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY. http://tfl.nu/zzc9
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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  (609): he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it. http://tfl.nu/w24u
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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  (712): Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now. http://tfl.nu/slxg
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  (661): View more from California

  God gave him joint rollers for hands

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  (661): God gave him joint rollers for hands http://tfl.nu/1evx
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.

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  (864): The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up. http://tfl.nu/edto
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  (516): View more from New York

  good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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  (516): good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top. http://tfl.nu/vbez
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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  (413): thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover... http://tfl.nu/lbcp
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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  (+27): we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end http://tfl.nu/vfas
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?

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  (270): How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night? http://tfl.nu/sgi1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up

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  (519): You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up http://tfl.nu/hzs8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?

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  (+44): Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance? http://tfl.nu/duxd
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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  (613): Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover http://tfl.nu/cy4m
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.

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  (610): I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/zt1t
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it

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  (719): dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it http://tfl.nu/atpp
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.

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  (+44): Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS. http://tfl.nu/15we
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.

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  (865): I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only. http://tfl.nu/wjh3
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  (333): View more from

  im calling her cock vulture from now on

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  (333): im calling her cock vulture from now on http://tfl.nu/4dmx
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  (716): View more from New York

  Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?

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  (716): Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate? http://tfl.nu/244l
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

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  (832): Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions? http://tfl.nu/z9u9
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

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  (616): I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes. http://tfl.nu/slsk
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.

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  (712): I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier. http://tfl.nu/5p4u
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  (409): View more from Texas

  he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out

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  (409): he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out http://tfl.nu/o406
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up

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  (630): I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up http://tfl.nu/11fq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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  (804): i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive http://tfl.nu/za3r
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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  (910): He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel. http://tfl.nu/qsvc
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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  (859): The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis". http://tfl.nu/o2ql
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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  (443): theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down. http://tfl.nu/4061
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  (753): View more from

  He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

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  (753): He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means. http://tfl.nu/ooa4
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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  (208): I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows... http://tfl.nu/dubx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate

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  (206): This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate http://tfl.nu/vfhs
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs

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  (443): also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs http://tfl.nu/bzfk
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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  (256): I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him. http://tfl.nu/7zd5
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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  (413): Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor. http://tfl.nu/leq0
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  (845): View more from New York

  dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"

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  (845): dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED" http://tfl.nu/7ras
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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  (708): We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever. http://tfl.nu/e0m4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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  (215): he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out. http://tfl.nu/9ic8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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  (402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being... http://tfl.nu/xmjx
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  (559): View more from California

  can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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  (559): can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock. http://tfl.nu/805r
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

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  (360): I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer. http://tfl.nu/agxw
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  oh and then you called a time out with your penis

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  (970): oh and then you called a time out with your penis http://tfl.nu/pj7g
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  (315): View more from New York

  Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.

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  (315): Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run. http://tfl.nu/6sa5
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously

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  (314): great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously http://tfl.nu/gl7l
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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  (904): So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer? http://tfl.nu/mn6g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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  (215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave... http://tfl.nu/jtzo
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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  (847): Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!" http://tfl.nu/3xo9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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  (206): Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me. http://tfl.nu/s5ld
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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  (815): This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro. http://tfl.nu/5jtw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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  (313): The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week? http://tfl.nu/bve2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.

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  (608): Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night. http://tfl.nu/vd8i
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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  (902): Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp' http://tfl.nu/0a7v
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  (909): View more from California

  I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

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  (909): I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"... http://tfl.nu/z8ro
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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  (215): I don't think we should have started that trash fire http://tfl.nu/5qs5
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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  (484): seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally http://tfl.nu/s3gk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.

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  (917): i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past. http://tfl.nu/eita
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?

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  (215): What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many? http://tfl.nu/72mb
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.

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  (319): I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie. http://tfl.nu/hxcl
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.

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  (781): I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body. http://tfl.nu/exdj
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

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  (715): I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk. http://tfl.nu/px56
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.

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  (937): She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain. http://tfl.nu/rayu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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  (717): thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape. http://tfl.nu/7lpf
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  (212): View more from New York

  1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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  (212): 1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square. http://tfl.nu/c9pr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.

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  (208): Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately. http://tfl.nu/dsn6
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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  (602): At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin" http://tfl.nu/p2m1
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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  (404): Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy. http://tfl.nu/vwp7
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  (805): View more from California

  Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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  (805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.

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  (434): we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino. http://tfl.nu/w9ni
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.

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  (281): I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked. http://tfl.nu/jbhc
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?

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  (734): Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill? http://tfl.nu/7ius
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.

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  (303): According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool. http://tfl.nu/eu48
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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  (207): My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad. http://tfl.nu/6faf
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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  (519): Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn. http://tfl.nu/jg1z
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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  (301): we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos" http://tfl.nu/vb8d
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.

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  (919): I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage. http://tfl.nu/i318
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.

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  (904): Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer. http://tfl.nu/ug99
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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  (307): How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots? http://tfl.nu/gvsx
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  (858): View more from California

  the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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  (858): the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus. http://tfl.nu/isnl
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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  (724): You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car http://tfl.nu/cede
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...

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  (512): Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation... http://tfl.nu/vkji
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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  (407): I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love http://tfl.nu/zj41
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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  (618): This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape. http://tfl.nu/eyxg
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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  (240): I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop. http://tfl.nu/iw16
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  He told her it was international road head day.

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  (720): Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min? (303): He told her it was international road head day. http://tfl.nu/xtw8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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  (803): Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him http://tfl.nu/31nh
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  (718): View more from New York

  He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........

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  (718): He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........ http://tfl.nu/befd
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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  (602): Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/xjnu
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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  (609): My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance. http://tfl.nu/4x77
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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  (850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9
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  (914): View more from New York

  There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do

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  (914): There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do http://tfl.nu/metj
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  (516): View more from New York

  i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs

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  (516): i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs http://tfl.nu/7d0f
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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  (+31): bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left. http://tfl.nu/sy8j
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

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  (+44): she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people http://tfl.nu/xprr
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

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  (908): You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room. http://tfl.nu/48yw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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  (402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too http://tfl.nu/2c7f
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

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  (720): I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time. http://tfl.nu/bucm
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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  (206): he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker... http://tfl.nu/z1il
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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  (603): 4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin. http://tfl.nu/zsng
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  (+91): View more from India

  I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.

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  (+91): I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin. http://tfl.nu/d09o
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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  (603): should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format? http://tfl.nu/bwcb
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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  (+44): I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon. http://tfl.nu/t0p2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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  (+44): He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester. http://tfl.nu/ggyj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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  (503): Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/p6bz
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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  (484): scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates http://tfl.nu/oxez
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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  (717): tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look http://tfl.nu/7aaf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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  (703): the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign http://tfl.nu/m52j
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  (713): View more from Texas

  It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog

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  (713): It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog http://tfl.nu/4hna
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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  (778): He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I? http://tfl.nu/r6dy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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  (586): plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you http://tfl.nu/ddyv
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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  (832): Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday? http://tfl.nu/ynw6
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  (956): View more from Texas

  found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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  (956): found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint. http://tfl.nu/dk3f
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

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  (317): Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success. http://tfl.nu/9gb8
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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  (757): Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this. http://tfl.nu/ylyg
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

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  (484): she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system http://tfl.nu/uwvr
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...

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  (902): we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids... http://tfl.nu/udrg
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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  (202): I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request. http://tfl.nu/ivj5
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  (760): View more from California

  is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?

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  (760): is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group? http://tfl.nu/g166
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

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  (731): Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?! http://tfl.nu/umwb
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else

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  (785): Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else http://tfl.nu/imin
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.

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  (440): Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table. http://tfl.nu/pm1l
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

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  (240): I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged. http://tfl.nu/1zhu
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life

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  (757): just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life http://tfl.nu/it50
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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  (443): please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow http://tfl.nu/myf2
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

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  (253): We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this? http://tfl.nu/8b98
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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  (617): I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night. http://tfl.nu/ytje
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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  (862): Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea. http://tfl.nu/cd70
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

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  (229): I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea http://tfl.nu/nypc
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  (213): View more from California

  You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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  (213): You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40 http://tfl.nu/gfeh
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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  (920): just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny http://tfl.nu/f2gi
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."

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  (478): All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk." http://tfl.nu/3sim
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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  (989): It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here. http://tfl.nu/e0yb
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.

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  (630): This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass. http://tfl.nu/p9f8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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  (248): Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch. http://tfl.nu/snc7
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious

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  (716): I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious http://tfl.nu/9ib6
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

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  (312): I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/bqr4
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  (310): View more from California

  so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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  (310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  As in ill only blow him next week

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  (403): I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow (403): As in ill only blow him next week http://tfl.nu/dd9t
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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  (971): No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge, http://tfl.nu/hq9f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

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  (847): Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night? http://tfl.nu/owky
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  (801): View more from Utah

  This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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  (801): This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me. http://tfl.nu/7tsq
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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  (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess

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  (907): I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess http://tfl.nu/1h29
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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  (740): Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE! http://tfl.nu/i7pp
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  (530): View more from California

  Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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  (530): Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me http://tfl.nu/nb38
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral

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  (804): i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral http://tfl.nu/voa8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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  (508): I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos. http://tfl.nu/pe3o
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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  (509): i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it http://tfl.nu/wiu8
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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  (225): it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes http://tfl.nu/e457
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.

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  (919): I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight. http://tfl.nu/fd4p
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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  (313): She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list. http://tfl.nu/ifsp
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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  (605): and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg. http://tfl.nu/8u14
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  (915): View more from Texas

  do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

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  (915): do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club? http://tfl.nu/mens
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.

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  (303): He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal. http://tfl.nu/7xt6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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  (407): I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex. http://tfl.nu/84ml
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  (212): View more from New York

  it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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  (212): it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating http://tfl.nu/p848
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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  (828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis http://tfl.nu/fz5v
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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  (703): To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M." http://tfl.nu/juhx
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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  (269): Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus. http://tfl.nu/d22v
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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  (780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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  (815): I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me http://tfl.nu/9tpu
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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  (+61): Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever. http://tfl.nu/klad
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.

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  (713): He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off. http://tfl.nu/azk9
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  even the AIR tastes like tequila.

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  (910): even the AIR tastes like tequila. http://tfl.nu/sty9
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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  (715): I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order http://tfl.nu/7p7j
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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  (682): I plan on gettn treatment center drunk http://tfl.nu/t6du
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  (425): View more from Washington

  well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..

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  (425): well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now.. http://tfl.nu/77ss
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

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  (647): You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost http://tfl.nu/e5ly
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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  (774): there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours? http://tfl.nu/8xmr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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  (404): You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet." http://tfl.nu/ru2n
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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  (864): Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot. http://tfl.nu/kmo6
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.

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  (610): His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here. http://tfl.nu/72ey
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend

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  (309): They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend http://tfl.nu/32kc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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  (850): Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes. http://tfl.nu/ng3j
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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  (814): I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups. http://tfl.nu/oj47
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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  (734): I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises. http://tfl.nu/ybn2
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  (206): View more from Washington

  riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea

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  (206): riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea http://tfl.nu/w3tl
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

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  (816): Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me. http://tfl.nu/4boe
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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  (203): I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me. http://tfl.nu/grro
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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  (703): Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick. http://tfl.nu/xrlx
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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  (859): i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey http://tfl.nu/w11j
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  (786): View more from Florida

  HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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  (786): HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM. http://tfl.nu/yhvq
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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  (920): I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness http://tfl.nu/erni
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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  (775): I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/bvr1
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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  (605): just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl? http://tfl.nu/v0ft
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  (239): View more from Florida

  you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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  (239): you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now. http://tfl.nu/uslm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (512): Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/xdkp
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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  (231): P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles. http://tfl.nu/wlbn
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  (631): View more from New York

  At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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  (631): At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you? http://tfl.nu/rik1
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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  (614): Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce. http://tfl.nu/e1yj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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  (401): 1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey http://tfl.nu/ks1h
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  (352): View more from Florida

  ... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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  (352): ... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/mdap
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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  (301): I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door. (215): Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go. http://tfl.nu/76is
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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  (218): all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/l2e8
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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  (781): I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it. http://tfl.nu/04ep
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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  (484): If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life http://tfl.nu/iybt
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  (212): View more from New York

  the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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  (212): the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with http://tfl.nu/bllr
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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  (250): for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/4n1i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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  (512): When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man http://tfl.nu/fxmb
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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  (214): Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/p4l3
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  (310): View more from California

  I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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  (310): I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub http://tfl.nu/zgaw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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  (512): Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge. http://tfl.nu/qm3g
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  (714): View more from California

  I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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  (714): I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born http://tfl.nu/tmja
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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  (605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex. http://tfl.nu/lyw2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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  (517): Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever. http://tfl.nu/fx8m
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night

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  (859): i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night http://tfl.nu/g2hp
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work

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  (208): I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work http://tfl.nu/ffxc
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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  (205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76
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