My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is your signature on my underwear?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
two words...techno handjob
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it glows. i had to have it.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me i tasted like america
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier