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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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