Texts From Last Night

ValerieVicious's Favorites Texts:

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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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  (913): You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" . http://tfl.nu/nj3u
  Replies (1) Good night (1784) Bad night (898) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face

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  (609): Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face http://tfl.nu/s45z
  Replies (2) Good night (3155) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.

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  (704): You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view. http://tfl.nu/adtw
  Replies (5) Good night (2360) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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  (225): Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again http://tfl.nu/n0xl
  Replies (5) Good night (2886) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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  (250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic
  Replies (8) Good night (6770) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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  (865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp
  Replies (5) Good night (4352) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.

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  (609): My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count. http://tfl.nu/d5s2
  Replies (14) Good night (4777) Bad night (1237) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER

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  (407): At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER http://tfl.nu/tf88
  Replies (4) Good night (2344) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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  (808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori
  Replies (4) Good night (4114) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.

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  (617): i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line. http://tfl.nu/bi31
  Replies (6) Good night (810) Bad night (2430) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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  (407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk
  Replies (21) Good night (8149) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.

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  (228): yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight. http://tfl.nu/g16n
  Replies (10) Good night (3239) Bad night (1382) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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  (702): Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent. http://tfl.nu/4is5
  Replies (20) Good night (5100) Bad night (718)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

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  (708): Someone played tic tac toe on my abs? http://tfl.nu/19a9
  Replies (9) Good night (4207) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
  Replies (9) Good night (6859) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?

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  (925): is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday? http://tfl.nu/7ar8
  Replies (14) Good night (3021) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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  (402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k
  Replies (6) Good night (2524) Bad night (948)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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  (256): There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him http://tfl.nu/3qir
  Replies (17) Good night (3416) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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  (908): you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind" http://tfl.nu/r0zl
  Replies (4) Good night (2420) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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  (201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4
  Replies (12) Good night (4110) Bad night (1007)
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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  (315): I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite. http://tfl.nu/f93w
  Replies (8) Good night (4028) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  he fucked my hip out of place.

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  (615): he fucked my hip out of place. http://tfl.nu/0lgh
  Replies (11) Good night (4908) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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  (902): Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first http://tfl.nu/v8bw
  Replies (11) Good night (4310) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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  (763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2
  Replies (7) Good night (5248) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?

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  (504): Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober? http://tfl.nu/e9ou
  Replies (9) Good night (919) Bad night (2911) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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  (307): Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday http://tfl.nu/9dt4
  Replies (13) Good night (4015) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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  (707): someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine. http://tfl.nu/envi
  Replies (24) Good night (1933) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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  (608): I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP. http://tfl.nu/f5ki
  Replies (3) Good night (2963) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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  (908): I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/fc4o
  Replies (9) Good night (5015) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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  (832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card http://tfl.nu/wrdz
  Replies (4) Good night (2894) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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  (501): First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come. http://tfl.nu/qjzy
  Replies (11) Good night (3229) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

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  (817): Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect? http://tfl.nu/gdtt
  Replies (11) Good night (2704) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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  (516): I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick. http://tfl.nu/gzhw
  Replies (15) Good night (4338) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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  (902): This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being. http://tfl.nu/gtcm
  Replies (8) Good night (3442) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower

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  (614): He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower http://tfl.nu/xrd7
  Replies (4) Good night (2007) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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  (801): He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark. http://tfl.nu/qvx8
  Replies (7) Good night (3918) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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  (262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch
  Replies (6) Good night (3981) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
  Replies (17) Good night (10962) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.

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  (502): We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears. http://tfl.nu/e7ru
  Replies (4) Good night (768) Bad night (3313) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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  (518): I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward http://tfl.nu/3430
  Replies (11) Good night (3714) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?

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  (323): Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang? http://tfl.nu/58hv
  Replies (7) Good night (2215) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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  (419): So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1 http://tfl.nu/tz8w
  Replies (35) Good night (6271) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!

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  (415): And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?! http://tfl.nu/ikec
  Replies (8) Good night (2714) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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  (315): I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night. http://tfl.nu/7th0
  Replies (9) Good night (4235) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
  Replies (19) Good night (12045) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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  (765): My grandma had to be escorted out by police. http://tfl.nu/ipgw
  Replies (18) Good night (6580) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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  (706): My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday http://tfl.nu/gbim
  Replies (8) Good night (4930) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

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  (415): I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does http://tfl.nu/67y4
  Replies (9) Good night (2786) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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  (301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk. http://tfl.nu/vlxs
  Replies (11) Good night (3626) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT

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  (314): WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT http://tfl.nu/lhuy
  Replies (3) Good night (2152) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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  (989): you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin http://tfl.nu/ftsd
  Replies (3) Good night (2803) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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  (315): I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in http://tfl.nu/b3qn
  Replies (15) Good night (6990) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink

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  (778): Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink http://tfl.nu/5oo7
  Replies (17) Good night (3157) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
  Replies (14) Good night (5189) Bad night (1831) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

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  (215): he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go. http://tfl.nu/h29u
  Replies (6) Good night (3385) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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  (707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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  (706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl
  Replies (10) Good night (3481) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Because we had sex in one.

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  (919): Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory? (1-919): Because we had sex in one. http://tfl.nu/y2am
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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  (305): Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer. http://tfl.nu/0a2y
  Replies (10) Good night (4200) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.

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  (708): This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major. http://tfl.nu/bo8s
  Replies (10) Good night (2868) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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  (310): You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila. http://tfl.nu/3egv
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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  (254): Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/9aes
  Replies (3) Good night (2467) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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  (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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  (214): Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem http://tfl.nu/y1i7
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

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  (902): you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had http://tfl.nu/lpp3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands

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  (412): I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands http://tfl.nu/w6ka
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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  (775): FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again http://tfl.nu/fzl1
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  (845): View more from New York

  the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later

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  (845): the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later http://tfl.nu/1207
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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  (706): Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings? http://tfl.nu/0565
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him

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  (201): He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him http://tfl.nu/dx9z
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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  (717): She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer. http://tfl.nu/9691
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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  (519): Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it. http://tfl.nu/0omt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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  (901): I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism. http://tfl.nu/eczv
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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  (+44): Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though. http://tfl.nu/3f7o
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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  (954): He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up. http://tfl.nu/a8fn
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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  (516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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  (503): There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever http://tfl.nu/502h
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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  (830): Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/q7ix
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  (850): View more from Florida

  "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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  (850): "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW? http://tfl.nu/ng2t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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  (203): i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today? http://tfl.nu/2t0w
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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  (250): my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing. http://tfl.nu/ewuf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.

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  (330): now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before. http://tfl.nu/kk2m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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  (203): She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious http://tfl.nu/rvtf
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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  (608): i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex http://tfl.nu/mh19
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  (760): View more from California

  I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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  (760): I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog http://tfl.nu/x4z4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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  (757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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  (765): the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians.... http://tfl.nu/hvak
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  (631): View more from New York

  You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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  (631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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  (734): i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up. http://tfl.nu/9mj6
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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  (434): Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other. http://tfl.nu/93c9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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  (860): What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang? http://tfl.nu/anu5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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  (843): I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car. http://tfl.nu/mri5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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  (360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du
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  (254): View more from Texas

  oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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  (254): oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick http://tfl.nu/vqpx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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  (305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

  (636): View more from Missouri

  HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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  (636): & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut' (636): HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ay1
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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  (505): I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat. http://tfl.nu/2tx3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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  (406): she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure. http://tfl.nu/ut3o
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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  (914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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  (937): It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs. http://tfl.nu/4p26
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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  (587): Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea http://tfl.nu/gdya
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work

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  (443): We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work http://tfl.nu/ryiy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever

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  (919): if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever http://tfl.nu/s664
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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  (702): Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now http://tfl.nu/aoyo
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.

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  (515): at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there. http://tfl.nu/x808
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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  (856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc
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  (323): View more from California

  Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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  (323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0
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  (661): View more from California

  I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...

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  (661): I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore... http://tfl.nu/z5qk
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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  (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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  (281): I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas. http://tfl.nu/8z68
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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  (614): I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision. http://tfl.nu/xp34
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

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  (630): I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job. http://tfl.nu/iztl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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  (301): He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him. http://tfl.nu/18rr
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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  (978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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  (913): It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide. http://tfl.nu/jrdr
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  (845): View more from New York

  no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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  (845): no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion. http://tfl.nu/fs9l
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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  (781): if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it http://tfl.nu/706q
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  (818): View more from California

  well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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  (818): well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning http://tfl.nu/ywc2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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  (501): Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to. http://tfl.nu/4qds
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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  (781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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  (970): She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat. http://tfl.nu/yazk
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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  (843): Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night http://tfl.nu/lokc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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  (215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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  (812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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  (443): In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.' http://tfl.nu/dm32
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  (661): View more from California

  So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

  (818): View more from California

  I hate you.

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  (661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (207): View more from Maine

  he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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  (207): he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead http://tfl.nu/s4ov
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I miss vodka workout Fridays

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  (786): I miss vodka workout Fridays http://tfl.nu/gp5l
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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  (804): I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either. http://tfl.nu/j4vn
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
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  (646): View more from New York

  He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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  (646): He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/8o9v
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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  (206): I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time. http://tfl.nu/0r8g
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (518): View more from New York

  I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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  (518): I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred. http://tfl.nu/3k1m
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

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  (630): It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table http://tfl.nu/i2oz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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  (724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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  (206): i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin http://tfl.nu/oy4z
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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  (508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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  (203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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  (202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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  (+44): Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/2h1j
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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  (419): We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun. http://tfl.nu/fiqf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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  (214): I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now http://tfl.nu/up7f
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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  (403): He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food http://tfl.nu/demt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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  (620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. http://tfl.nu/lsv9
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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  (507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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  (313): remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall http://tfl.nu/brex
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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  (502): update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive. http://tfl.nu/e1l9
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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  (505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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  (469): I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over. http://tfl.nu/vab8
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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  (262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us" http://tfl.nu/wksb
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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  (508): he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out http://tfl.nu/cxh0
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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  (804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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  (352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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  (403): This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy. http://tfl.nu/kmxm
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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  (979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu
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  (917): View more from New York City

  The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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  (917): The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name. http://tfl.nu/eftw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.

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  (317): The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints. http://tfl.nu/xoq4
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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  (208): Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat. http://tfl.nu/qpwr
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  (530): View more from California

  So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.

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  (530): So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention. http://tfl.nu/8fhv
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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  (517): My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX http://tfl.nu/rv1c
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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  (708): Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic http://tfl.nu/vj27
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  (310): View more from California

  Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

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  (310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever. http://tfl.nu/fsai
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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  (713): she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding.. http://tfl.nu/h93z
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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  (902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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  (770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut. http://tfl.nu/onts
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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  (651): I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old. http://tfl.nu/njv7
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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  (+27): My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos. http://tfl.nu/d1hj
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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  (604): Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him. http://tfl.nu/v9q2
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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  (402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow http://tfl.nu/h8bi
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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  (580): She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny http://tfl.nu/sg6f
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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  (901): Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out? http://tfl.nu/cfeo
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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  (608): your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places. http://tfl.nu/fel2
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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  (519): and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover. http://tfl.nu/uo1b
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  His hands were made for my vagina.

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  (405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I spit up blood this morning

  (206): View more from Washington

  That's vegas.

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  (919): I spit up blood this morning (206): That's vegas. http://tfl.nu/44z7
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  (914): View more from New York

  Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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  (914): Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him http://tfl.nu/h9ln
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?

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  (440): I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went? http://tfl.nu/9bmv
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

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  (501): Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check. http://tfl.nu/gtpb
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
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  (415): View more from California

  SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!

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  (415): SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT! http://tfl.nu/38ig
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  (516): View more from New York

  He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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  (516): He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue http://tfl.nu/ydk6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

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  (978): who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name. http://tfl.nu/fmfw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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  (859): Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here http://tfl.nu/kvme
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  (585): View more from New York

  you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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  (585): you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it http://tfl.nu/37fg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

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  (214): Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this http://tfl.nu/7qd9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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  (610): I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin! http://tfl.nu/gtgt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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  (352): we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark. http://tfl.nu/009s
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  (845): View more from New York

  all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed

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  (845): all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed http://tfl.nu/tu27
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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  (604): I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex http://tfl.nu/9dx2
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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  (803): and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old http://tfl.nu/y7b8
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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  (540): Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh. http://tfl.nu/suhk
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  (239): View more from Florida

  apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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  (239): apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms http://tfl.nu/7buk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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  (360): Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving' http://tfl.nu/j3uq
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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  (251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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  (757): It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it. http://tfl.nu/6y9b
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

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  (412): She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out... (412): She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7. http://tfl.nu/j9aq
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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  (630): Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.. http://tfl.nu/pq67
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that

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  (289): i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that http://tfl.nu/oz0t
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  (718): View more from New York

  Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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  (718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/eick
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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  (907): started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night. http://tfl.nu/6i6d
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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  (816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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  (832): I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete.. http://tfl.nu/bykt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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  (720): just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing. http://tfl.nu/182p
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  (954): View more from Florida

  It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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  (954): It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school http://tfl.nu/yqnn
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
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  (408): View more from California

  You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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  (408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Decisions, decisions.

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  (319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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  (807): I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever. http://tfl.nu/8cfr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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  (860): I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/69i0
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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  (816): we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome http://tfl.nu/vmah
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  That's because you are an idiot.

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  (417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl
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  (607): View more from New York

  Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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  (607): Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave. http://tfl.nu/8ei2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

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  (214): What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky. http://tfl.nu/b98l
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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  (314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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  (617): I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step http://tfl.nu/7m4i
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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  (508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.

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  (504): We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that. http://tfl.nu/afy4
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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  (419): i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me http://tfl.nu/hyzr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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  (919): I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels. http://tfl.nu/lt6v
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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  (630): She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving. http://tfl.nu/1pg2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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  (303): What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil? http://tfl.nu/rel9
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  (949): View more from California

  I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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  (949): I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed.. http://tfl.nu/gr14
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  (512): View more from Texas

  and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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  (512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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  (604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku
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  (845): View more from New York

  Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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  (845): Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup.. http://tfl.nu/wofn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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  (203): so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe http://tfl.nu/fk19
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  how else could I explain the last few years

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  (703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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  (918): We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out http://tfl.nu/vv84
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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  (207): Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices http://tfl.nu/clic
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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  (815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

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  (907): She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex http://tfl.nu/o751
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  (516): View more from New York

  He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

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  (516): He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore http://tfl.nu/31xs
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  (561): View more from Florida

  If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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  (561): If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls. http://tfl.nu/stc1
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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  (330): I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him. http://tfl.nu/hzd4
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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  (501): At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening http://tfl.nu/z1ws
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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  (931): Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame. http://tfl.nu/0khd
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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  (301): they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with. http://tfl.nu/84m6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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  (703): I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila" http://tfl.nu/s09r
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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  (973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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  (509): I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact. http://tfl.nu/tkeu
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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  (662): After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do. http://tfl.nu/mztj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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  (303): those 9 inches of man changed my life forever. http://tfl.nu/b7ob
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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  (770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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  (216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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  (815): Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan http://tfl.nu/827h
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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  (402): her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed. http://tfl.nu/jsdy
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  (925): View more from California

  She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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  (925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5
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  (914): View more from New York

  tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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  (914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  (954): View more from Florida

  im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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  (954): im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls http://tfl.nu/n5en
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  (925): View more from California

  It smells like ranch

  (925): View more from California

  Must be all the white people

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  (925): It smells like ranch (925): Must be all the white people http://tfl.nu/51vw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.

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  (519): I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/m5l5
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
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  (607): View more from New York

  My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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  (607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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  (404): His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me. http://tfl.nu/ej9i
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  (818): View more from California

  Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

  (818): View more from California

  And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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  (818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

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  (662): looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme http://tfl.nu/w8jn
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  (415): View more from California

  i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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  (415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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  (850): I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before. http://tfl.nu/vbyg
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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  (804): my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2 http://tfl.nu/hna9
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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  (616): There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by. http://tfl.nu/au1s
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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  (513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr
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