I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My vagina is officially offended.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Canadian or clown?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
It's blow job season.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.