I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you will always have a special place in my vag
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I told you penises don't tan
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger