I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".