Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
