Texts From Last Night

wally1012's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (+44): View more from England

  You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked http://tfl.nu/tjun
  Replies (22) Good night (616) Bad night (3040) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note http://tfl.nu/2uyq
  Replies (5) Good night (4096) Bad night (685)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/ir44
  Replies (7) Good night (3148) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3. http://tfl.nu/3wgo
  Replies (4) Good night (1975) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened" http://tfl.nu/41rs
  Replies (12) Good night (3081) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3973) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
  Replies (5) Good night (2414) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5
  Replies (14) Good night (4086) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
  Replies (11) Good night (4370) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5455) Bad night (1158)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works." http://tfl.nu/3ym3
  Replies (8) Good night (3521) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course http://tfl.nu/mcvz
  Replies (62) Good night (1977) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito. http://tfl.nu/qluq
  Replies (8) Good night (3061) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it. http://tfl.nu/veic
  Replies (26) Good night (901) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda. http://tfl.nu/fjuw
  Replies (111) Good night (6563) Bad night (2312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg
  Replies (4) Good night (3262) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief. http://tfl.nu/eaos
  Replies (40) Good night (4895) Bad night (3138)
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
  Replies (8) Good night (4029) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
  Replies (27) Good night (3971) Bad night (794)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago http://tfl.nu/aauf
  Replies (16) Good night (3486) Bad night (1311)
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test? http://tfl.nu/cwr3
  Replies (7) Good night (4925) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule. http://tfl.nu/c0gm
  Replies (11) Good night (2972) Bad night (1236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there.... http://tfl.nu/g27d
  Replies (4) Good night (1661) Bad night (2485)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7503) Bad night (72136)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment... http://tfl.nu/srde
  Replies (8) Good night (2800) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
  Replies (7) Good night (4466) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way. http://tfl.nu/5yxg
  Replies (26) Good night (4049) Bad night (1471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
  Replies (7) Good night (2743) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/thtn
  Replies (30) Good night (7897) Bad night (1106)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (47) Good night (47528) Bad night (2091) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1590) Bad night (4162)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
  Replies (137) Good night (6773) Bad night (5335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT? (703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear. http://tfl.nu/5lvm
  Replies (37) Good night (2746) Bad night (840)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx
  Replies (9) Good night (1870) Bad night (4626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3767) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Houston, we have a squirter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Houston, we have a squirter http://tfl.nu/27k8
  Replies (25) Good night (6367) Bad night (1261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon http://tfl.nu/xy8w
  Replies (5) Good night (3336) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation. http://tfl.nu/zdno
  Replies (27) Good night (7769) Bad night (1063)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
  Replies (44) Good night (4808) Bad night (9131)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com http://tfl.nu/sswj
  Replies (38) Good night (1194) Bad night (2997) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

  (1-408): View more from California

  if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner (1-408): if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends http://tfl.nu/qgda
  Replies (29) Good night (4483) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
  Replies (24) Good night (5640) Bad night (2256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm lost and stupid without you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): I'm lost and stupid without you. http://tfl.nu/d04q
  Replies (5) Good night (1142) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  we didnt even have break up sex...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  you had it for us with someone else...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): we didnt even have break up sex... (1-816): you had it for us with someone else... http://tfl.nu/e06z
  Replies (17) Good night (1713) Bad night (6451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later. http://tfl.nu/q053
  Replies (25) Good night (1535) Bad night (3091) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  No...more like a life jacket.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet? (1-603): No...more like a life jacket. http://tfl.nu/4uwt
  Replies (8) Good night (1401) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  sounds like you fell off the wagon.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): sounds like you fell off the wagon. (1-617): fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon. http://tfl.nu/7sjj
  Replies (5) Good night (4222) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away http://tfl.nu/zrix
  Replies (17) Good night (3628) Bad night (1896) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself http://tfl.nu/ot4u
  Replies (30) Good night (5141) Bad night (1134)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
  Replies (12) Good night (5794) Bad night (1465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
  Replies (43) Good night (6828) Bad night (884)
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects. http://tfl.nu/678l
  Replies (15) Good night (627) Bad night (2865) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
  Replies (4) Good night (4340) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
  Replies (48) Good night (20341) Bad night (2051)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome. http://tfl.nu/ibqv
  Replies (16) Good night (5235) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
  Replies (26) Good night (8897) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
  Replies (8) Good night (2249) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah
  Replies (30) Good night (1593) Bad night (7559)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose. http://tfl.nu/p7by
  Replies (14) Good night (2733) Bad night (923)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

  (214): View more from Texas

  so how much did i say i owed you?

  (972): View more from Texas

  $5 and a new fuck buddy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards. (214): so how much did i say i owed you? (972): $5 and a new fuck buddy. http://tfl.nu/zurg
  Replies (21) Good night (3079) Bad night (599)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position http://tfl.nu/2xnt
  Replies (15) Good night (1029) Bad night (4324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make. http://tfl.nu/4how
  Replies (51) Good night (794) Bad night (5054) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
  Replies (70) Good night (4985) Bad night (9452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck http://tfl.nu/clun
  Replies (41) Good night (4275) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Better looking than her though please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with? (416): Better looking than her though please. http://tfl.nu/bks1
  Replies (29) Good night (1902) Bad night (6005)
• Favorite

  (752): View more from California

  What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

  (209): View more from California

  I think the two go hand in hand.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (752): What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall? (209): I think the two go hand in hand. http://tfl.nu/xxhp
  Replies (73) Good night (1002) Bad night (5860)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (51) Good night (17102) Bad night (1385)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

  (214): View more from Texas

  kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

  (903): View more from Texas

  I'll be there in 10

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem. (214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night. (903): I'll be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/kykh
  Replies (19) Good night (5763) Bad night (633)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  what chic?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight? (1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic (870): what chic? http://tfl.nu/m2xn
  Replies (21) Good night (1315) Bad night (1738)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom... http://tfl.nu/jmqs
  Replies (8) Good night (572) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question http://tfl.nu/r4al
  Replies (7) Good night (3094) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace http://tfl.nu/i9ng
  Replies (21) Good night (6326) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won. http://tfl.nu/1h1c
  Replies (39) Good night (9101) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
  Replies (49) Good night (11126) Bad night (2434)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
  Replies (76) Good night (21549) Bad night (1256)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce. http://tfl.nu/89y8
  Replies (11) Good night (820) Bad night (3195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
  Replies (9) Good night (5723) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged http://tfl.nu/je5z
  Replies (8) Good night (955) Bad night (3445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids. http://tfl.nu/vgjd
  Replies (33) Good night (5680) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time. http://tfl.nu/hpfk
  Replies (38) Good night (5057) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
  Replies (13) Good night (6056) Bad night (1275)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
  Replies (196) Good night (1833) Bad night (16481)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
  Replies (43) Good night (9398) Bad night (809)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  i just snorted my name. best moment ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): i just snorted my name. best moment ever http://tfl.nu/gtkr
  Replies (44) Good night (2410) Bad night (2974) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I want my thong back.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I hate you tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong... (612): I want my thong back. (763): I hate you tequila. http://tfl.nu/u481
  Replies (16) Good night (4870) Bad night (703)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand... http://tfl.nu/3a2z
  Replies (8) Good night (1605) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
  Replies (33) Good night (10080) Bad night (854)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head. http://tfl.nu/x66l
  Replies (20) Good night (7644) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
  Replies (10) Good night (10938) Bad night (843)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
  Replies (70) Good night (7864) Bad night (1481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?" http://tfl.nu/tcpf
  Replies (26) Good night (3179) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA http://tfl.nu/zqva
  Replies (38) Good night (6098) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  smell my finger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): smell my finger. http://tfl.nu/i0ta
  Replies (80) Good night (1542) Bad night (4959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  then she stuck her tongue in my ass

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): then she stuck her tongue in my ass (1-515): I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her? http://tfl.nu/wzc5
  Replies (18) Good night (3634) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

  (616): View more from Michigan

  He did it well too

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out" (616): He did it well too http://tfl.nu/h6lm
  Replies (57) Good night (8731) Bad night (609)
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops http://tfl.nu/xgyz
  Replies (10) Good night (3666) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03
  Replies (97) Good night (4187) Bad night (9661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning. http://tfl.nu/ijln
  Replies (5) Good night (3246) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family? http://tfl.nu/vek9
  Replies (72) Good night (1805) Bad night (7831)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): You look like a girl that would like strip clubs http://tfl.nu/jf13
  Replies (17) Good night (2532) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday http://tfl.nu/uz0x
  Replies (10) Good night (2932) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting. http://tfl.nu/a3qg
  Replies (16) Good night (2729) Bad night (1987) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick http://tfl.nu/e1f8
  Replies (12) Good night (750) Bad night (4032) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years. http://tfl.nu/8lob
  Replies (19) Good night (1696) Bad night (5364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch. http://tfl.nu/jvw8
  Replies (22) Good night (959) Bad night (7857)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  we're not divorced.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa
  Replies (12) Good night (724) Bad night (3053)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire. http://tfl.nu/xwgk
  Replies (43) Good night (6688) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Tell your boobs to stop staring at me. http://tfl.nu/zl8p
  Replies (30) Good night (5120) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying. http://tfl.nu/q9vl
  Replies (14) Good night (4279) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra http://tfl.nu/6lbp
  Replies (8) Good night (2905) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents. http://tfl.nu/eibu
  Replies (18) Good night (638) Bad night (5778) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
  Replies (66) Good night (5429) Bad night (2518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter... http://tfl.nu/rvqi
  Replies (24) Good night (5368) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse. http://tfl.nu/lj3p
  Replies (16) Good night (4926) Bad night (741) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  wait.... you do what?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks (1-801): wait.... you do what? http://tfl.nu/1q1g
  Replies (18) Good night (3369) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
  Replies (41) Good night (4417) Bad night (8694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy http://tfl.nu/hobw
  Replies (7) Good night (989) Bad night (2418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real. http://tfl.nu/3nu3
  Replies (32) Good night (2169) Bad night (6288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round http://tfl.nu/7y9k
  Replies (18) Good night (8068) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked. http://tfl.nu/cr3f
  Replies (8) Good night (2406) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day http://tfl.nu/t2zq
  Replies (10) Good night (3350) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38
  Replies (12) Good night (3853) Bad night (1361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/qxjf
  Replies (17) Good night (4083) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over. http://tfl.nu/vji8
  Replies (10) Good night (1379) Bad night (2910) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
  Replies (23) Good night (6001) Bad night (1543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer? http://tfl.nu/917w
  Replies (11) Good night (3106) Bad night (1477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it http://tfl.nu/f0et
  Replies (8) Good night (900) Bad night (2773)
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick. http://tfl.nu/ma7b
  Replies (14) Good night (2735) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge http://tfl.nu/8cfm
  Replies (15) Good night (3778) Bad night (1288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong http://tfl.nu/rbr5
  Replies (5) Good night (2887) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey http://tfl.nu/w11j
  Replies (6) Good night (2985) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
  Replies (9) Good night (4914) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): See, not all bad decisions involve my penis. http://tfl.nu/lbts
  Replies (5) Good night (2928) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister. http://tfl.nu/4jvf
  Replies (15) Good night (4262) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before... http://tfl.nu/n0in
  Replies (4) Good night (3307) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
  Replies (11) Good night (5170) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
  Replies (37) Good night (13193) Bad night (1071) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
  Replies (24) Good night (10051) Bad night (1356) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back. http://tfl.nu/kpg0
  Replies (21) Good night (11261) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you. http://tfl.nu/jro0
  Replies (9) Good night (3481) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation http://tfl.nu/era3
  Replies (4) Good night (2943) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea http://tfl.nu/0m14
  Replies (3) Good night (2199) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
  Replies (14) Good night (7725) Bad night (1447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
  Replies (21) Good night (14410) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister http://tfl.nu/d8wy
  Replies (13) Good night (3752) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
  Replies (5) Good night (1195) Bad night (2746) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests http://tfl.nu/0vji
  Replies (7) Good night (3058) Bad night (1773) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/l7ly
  Replies (7) Good night (1020) Bad night (3192) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram http://tfl.nu/p4j5
  Replies (2) Good night (2636) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards http://tfl.nu/ehov
  Replies (9) Good night (3347) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman. http://tfl.nu/z41q
  Replies (15) Good night (7037) Bad night (750)
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us http://tfl.nu/w5tj
  Replies (2) Good night (2212) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair http://tfl.nu/bwcm
  Replies (21) Good night (7095) Bad night (1036)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest http://tfl.nu/qjdf
  Replies (12) Good night (4302) Bad night (613)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15. http://tfl.nu/ngxx
  Replies (16) Good night (620) Bad night (2123)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize. http://tfl.nu/htot
  Replies (7) Good night (5154) Bad night (1130)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already http://tfl.nu/dz2h
  Replies (7) Good night (2661) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations. http://tfl.nu/uf69
  Replies (7) Good night (3065) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself http://tfl.nu/s870
  Replies (6) Good night (3445) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7' http://tfl.nu/hrls
  Replies (63) Good night (1046) Bad night (5111) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal. http://tfl.nu/dcp1
  Replies (15) Good night (3032) Bad night (1766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
  Replies (14) Good night (5806) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
  Replies (14) Good night (9366) Bad night (2183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program. http://tfl.nu/1rj5
  Replies (14) Good night (4921) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story. http://tfl.nu/dytn
  Replies (25) Good night (922) Bad night (3477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing.... http://tfl.nu/xrxl
  Replies (3) Good night (4192) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy http://tfl.nu/6i8p
  Replies (18) Good night (1016) Bad night (1916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober" http://tfl.nu/f99j
  Replies (19) Good night (1313) Bad night (3137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment. http://tfl.nu/tn42
  Replies (25) Good night (974) Bad night (4433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
  Replies (23) Good night (6555) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (353) Good night (7744) Bad night (48305)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here http://tfl.nu/hb41
  Replies (16) Good night (4708) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again http://tfl.nu/9mpp
  Replies (34) Good night (6238) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is. http://tfl.nu/0bg6
  Replies (13) Good night (2139) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas.. http://tfl.nu/m0nn
  Replies (24) Good night (3251) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation. http://tfl.nu/fqo6
  Replies (11) Good night (3490) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is http://tfl.nu/l5nn
  Replies (20) Good night (6847) Bad night (1567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
  Replies (12) Good night (6913) Bad night (775)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you" http://tfl.nu/44qj
  Replies (14) Good night (7023) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke. http://tfl.nu/stms
  Replies (15) Good night (4138) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
  Replies (8) Good night (4914) Bad night (952)
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly http://tfl.nu/58r9
  Replies (24) Good night (730) Bad night (7099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions. http://tfl.nu/p23c
  Replies (35) Good night (5612) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date. http://tfl.nu/xryi
  Replies (43) Good night (8089) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"? http://tfl.nu/0zdv
  Replies (29) Good night (5048) Bad night (1563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
  Replies (28) Good night (3623) Bad night (5449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
  Replies (34) Good night (20274) Bad night (1529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
  Replies (11) Good night (8641) Bad night (1837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
  Replies (19) Good night (12589) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (13539) Bad night (5082)
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1
  Replies (80) Good night (14092) Bad night (2218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
  Replies (42) Good night (14364) Bad night (1861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
  Replies (44) Good night (14906) Bad night (1264)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
  Replies (37) Good night (15411) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
  Replies (51) Good night (15128) Bad night (3708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
  Replies (131) Good night (14251) Bad night (2893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically. http://tfl.nu/76cj
  Replies (25) Good night (13884) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
  Replies (44) Good night (15223) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/xwig
  Replies (33) Good night (14690) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
  Replies (33) Good night (15226) Bad night (690)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (35) Good night (15099) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
  Replies (30) Good night (17895) Bad night (887)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (16201) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
  Replies (44) Good night (16987) Bad night (1059)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
  Replies (34) Good night (17060) Bad night (1405) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (18189) Bad night (1175)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
  Replies (47) Good night (18511) Bad night (700)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (19814) Bad night (1246) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (21336) Bad night (2981) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26868) Bad night (4288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (26465) Bad night (2254) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142136) Bad night (9312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
  Replies (22) Good night (28712) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
  Replies (107) Good night (33000) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
  Replies (91) Good night (30852) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36461) Bad night (4989)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
  Replies (52) Good night (36658) Bad night (1642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38531) Bad night (1465)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (38312) Bad night (1648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38059) Bad night (1813)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
  Replies (348) Good night (43788) Bad night (4561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (43790) Bad night (1654) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60838) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72039) Bad night (2121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65376) Bad night (3435)