some1sboo's Favorites Texts:

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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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  (910): i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit http://tfl.nu/ocpj
  Replies (18) Good night (3878) Bad night (589)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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  (307): Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation. http://tfl.nu/c3ab
  Replies (5) Good night (1388) Bad night (210)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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  (617): A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO http://tfl.nu/0cgy
  Replies (7) Good night (2387) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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  (250): IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? http://tfl.nu/uqe9
  Replies (5) Good night (525) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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  (832): Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right. http://tfl.nu/ngre
  Replies (9) Good night (3098) Bad night (380)
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  (315): View more from New York

  she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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  (315): she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot http://tfl.nu/7zmw
  Replies (7) Good night (2145) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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  (253): Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know. http://tfl.nu/n76e
  Replies (6) Good night (469) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.

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  (303): I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now. http://tfl.nu/8ew5
  Replies (7) Good night (322) Bad night (1609) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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  (804): Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive http://tfl.nu/45br
  Replies (9) Good night (1896) Bad night (498)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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  (419): All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2lvs
  Replies (17) Good night (3926) Bad night (1918) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14333) Bad night (2693) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.

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  (757): I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you. http://tfl.nu/6wwz
  Replies (5) Good night (1822) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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  (330): Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control." http://tfl.nu/dz9s
  Replies (12) Good night (1561) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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  (336): MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS http://tfl.nu/4mur
  Replies (7) Good night (1633) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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  (775): Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"? http://tfl.nu/g7e2
  Replies (8) Good night (1668) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth

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  (405): Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth http://tfl.nu/55g6
  Replies (0) Good night (783) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back

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  (540): I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back http://tfl.nu/d3ys
  Replies (5) Good night (782) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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  (970): I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me (970): Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere http://tfl.nu/25bl
  Replies (12) Good night (2426) Bad night (380)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.

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  (609): she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka. http://tfl.nu/jihr
  Replies (2) Good night (907) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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  (918): He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his. http://tfl.nu/1fae
  Replies (32) Good night (2929) Bad night (680)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I don't even know what to say right now

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  (773): I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away. (847): I don't even know what to say right now http://tfl.nu/f47i
  Replies (6) Good night (997) Bad night (414)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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  (541): So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that" http://tfl.nu/ex2y
  Replies (12) Good night (2344) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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  (773): Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days. http://tfl.nu/hblx
  Replies (6) Good night (1007) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3832) Bad night (692)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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  (443): My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT http://tfl.nu/f0p2
  Replies (20) Good night (5127) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

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  (630): I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best http://tfl.nu/gccv
  Replies (6) Good night (1519) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
  Replies (33) Good night (6576) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
  Replies (33) Good night (2868) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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  (780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot
  Replies (9) Good night (4608) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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  (404): Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth". http://tfl.nu/9ke1
  Replies (19) Good night (2626) Bad night (1384) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
  Replies (37) Good night (809) Bad night (3600)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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  (815): We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of. http://tfl.nu/md9p
  Replies (21) Good night (1355) Bad night (2225) Order T-Shirt
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  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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  (340): I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS http://tfl.nu/sha5
  Replies (8) Good night (1088) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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  (978): apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material. http://tfl.nu/gr1e
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy. (703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/zfcv
  Replies (1) Good night (1910) Bad night (422)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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  (412): He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it. http://tfl.nu/j347
  Replies (7) Good night (2908) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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  (412): I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not. http://tfl.nu/jtsf
  Replies (14) Good night (7506) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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  (917): level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed. http://tfl.nu/i2kx
  Replies (25) Good night (4021) Bad night (2301) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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  (905): today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag http://tfl.nu/a7zv
  Replies (5) Good night (1463) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

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  (516): My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air http://tfl.nu/h73p
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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  (415): I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history. http://tfl.nu/x6ei
  Replies (13) Good night (648) Bad night (1481)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

  (906): View more from Michigan

  Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

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  (808): They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call (906): Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008 http://tfl.nu/rt6t
  Replies (1) Good night (1293) Bad night (473)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

  (614): View more from Ohio

  repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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  (614): my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat (614): repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES http://tfl.nu/9vr3
  Replies (6) Good night (1764) Bad night (558)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.

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  (912): if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste. http://tfl.nu/c4ff
  Replies (9) Good night (3059) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3606) Bad night (546)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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  (501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends

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  (919): Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends http://tfl.nu/02aa
  Replies (3) Good night (1026) Bad night (364)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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  (812): Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs. http://tfl.nu/yev1
  Replies (9) Good night (2893) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  did we hook up?

  (925): View more from California

  no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

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  (415): did we hook up? (925): no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt http://tfl.nu/pm3u
  Replies (30) Good night (824) Bad night (6298)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

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  (416): He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ http://tfl.nu/txmt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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  (717): He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested" http://tfl.nu/y825
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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  (319): Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk. http://tfl.nu/a04b
  Replies (13) Good night (5089) Bad night (1471) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...

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  (314): I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter... http://tfl.nu/166t
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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  (413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face http://tfl.nu/hkq0
  Replies (5) Good night (2193) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

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  (202): remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER. http://tfl.nu/2j9f
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  It was kinda weird being the boss

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  Did you feel like Tony Danza?

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  (540): It was kinda weird being the boss (1-540): Did you feel like Tony Danza? http://tfl.nu/xn58
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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  (732): It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown. http://tfl.nu/wms3
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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  (506): At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at http://tfl.nu/k9hn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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  (330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron. http://tfl.nu/yv9g
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

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  (508): I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you. http://tfl.nu/x02i
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

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  (503): my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew. http://tfl.nu/fdzr
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

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  (567): I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin. http://tfl.nu/b7wh
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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  (331): My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good. http://tfl.nu/opzi
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?

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  (248): I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you? http://tfl.nu/mhei
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.

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  (864): The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college. http://tfl.nu/rxu2
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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  (406): I would watch the shit out of some full house right now. http://tfl.nu/5ksj
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  (845): View more from New York

  I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte

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  (845): I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte http://tfl.nu/yyhp
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Except even better, boobs get discounts.

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  (307): Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8. (307): Except even better, boobs get discounts. http://tfl.nu/cz7z
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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  (206): Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities http://tfl.nu/0iqe
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

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  (541): When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party? http://tfl.nu/4whz
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

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  (540): my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed http://tfl.nu/1r9l
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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  (708): We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance http://tfl.nu/osk3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

  (1+44): View more from

  Doesn't she keep a spare?

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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  (+44): You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys. (1+44): Doesn't she keep a spare? (+44): Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans. http://tfl.nu/5sic
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  (607): View more from New York

  Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

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  (607): Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock. http://tfl.nu/yv63
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  (650): View more from California

  i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

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  (650): i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text. http://tfl.nu/726d
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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  (253): Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex (206): Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy http://tfl.nu/0aky
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

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  (484): You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night. http://tfl.nu/9q4k
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  (813): View more from Florida

  EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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  (813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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  (248): No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut. http://tfl.nu/0bwj
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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  (910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap. http://tfl.nu/jw87
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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  (573): A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb. http://tfl.nu/1cz1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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  (720): My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever http://tfl.nu/wkge
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Your an asshole

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

  (954): View more from Florida

  My point exactly

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  (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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  (603): my cup is half full, half full of rum. http://tfl.nu/ajky
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

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  (571): I seriously fake cumming more than i poop. http://tfl.nu/kwns
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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  (208): Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas http://tfl.nu/3mqp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.

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  (201): She's NOT homeless...she graduated early. http://tfl.nu/5ymo
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.

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  (703): Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii. http://tfl.nu/5g9i
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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  (+44): Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning . http://tfl.nu/qry6
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  (661): View more from California

  May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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  (661): May God have mercy on my new vibrator. http://tfl.nu/qino
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (925): View more from California

  im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?

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  (925): im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going? http://tfl.nu/wvih
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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  (269): So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church! http://tfl.nu/fvvt
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  (516): View more from New York

  is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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  (516): is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon? http://tfl.nu/8edy
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.

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  (941): I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh. http://tfl.nu/0uja
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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  (813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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  (856): It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore. http://tfl.nu/4nio
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  (518): View more from New York

  Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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  (518): Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved. http://tfl.nu/9gud
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet

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  (803): Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet http://tfl.nu/m2pn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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  (303): we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us http://tfl.nu/pmf4
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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  (407): I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through. http://tfl.nu/kavy
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne

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  (904): Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne http://tfl.nu/4m6j
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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  (225): If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party http://tfl.nu/fuoa
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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  (479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school... http://tfl.nu/5amt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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  (817): Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch... http://tfl.nu/5oqr
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Where was your thought process?

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  Drowning in my hangover.

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  (778): Where was your thought process? (1-778): Drowning in my hangover. http://tfl.nu/hpz6
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover

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  (478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover http://tfl.nu/1qw9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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  (443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong http://tfl.nu/v2kj
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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  (608): Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap. http://tfl.nu/9p7s
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again

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  (423): come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again http://tfl.nu/f993
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis

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  (402): Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis http://tfl.nu/hhal
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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  (541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night. http://tfl.nu/2m2y
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  (817): View more from Texas

  But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

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  (817): But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities http://tfl.nu/pt4w
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket

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  (321): you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket http://tfl.nu/cdhn
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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  (952): So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious (781): Oh my god you need to get off of facebook. http://tfl.nu/ws52
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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  (416): After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me. http://tfl.nu/uotn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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  (816): About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money. http://tfl.nu/foav
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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  (917): I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads. (917): Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful. http://tfl.nu/kyyh
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  (805): View more from California

  Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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  (805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d
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  (510): View more from California

  Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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  (510): Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow. http://tfl.nu/c544
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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  (989): Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics? http://tfl.nu/kwmb
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  (510): View more from California

  Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

  (1-510): View more from California

  Tgat was the small dick alert

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  (510): Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands (1-510): Tgat was the small dick alert http://tfl.nu/0ham
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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  (423): I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud. http://tfl.nu/10lu
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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  (314): I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness. http://tfl.nu/5pr0
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  (863): View more from Florida

  And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?

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  (863): And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/3986
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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  (208): I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear http://tfl.nu/1f0a
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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  (703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

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  (630): I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now. http://tfl.nu/zvll
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Hows that studying goin for you?

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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  (505): Hows that studying goin for you? (1-505): I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil http://tfl.nu/rkj1
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  (914): View more from New York

  She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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  (914): She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable? http://tfl.nu/73t2
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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  (352): Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself. http://tfl.nu/hxa2
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

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  (919): I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here. http://tfl.nu/lixe
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

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  (847): He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned http://tfl.nu/f6cf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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  (970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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  (443): Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one. http://tfl.nu/dq1o
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  (716): View more from New York

  i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

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  (716): i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control http://tfl.nu/09xh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

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  (405): when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high http://tfl.nu/6j5i
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

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  (403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint. http://tfl.nu/8aqq
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  (530): View more from California

  When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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  (530): When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children. http://tfl.nu/7iz1
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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  (256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning

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  (615): Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning http://tfl.nu/j3ex
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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  (678): This is the weirdest negotiation ever. (814): This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue. http://tfl.nu/rt97
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

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  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
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  (650): View more from California

  So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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  (650): So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony. http://tfl.nu/uxe7
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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  (785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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  (903): He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/h56s
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.

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  (918): Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose. http://tfl.nu/n06v
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  (631): View more from New York

  Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

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  (631): Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions. http://tfl.nu/8mk0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

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  (210): If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night http://tfl.nu/5uhb
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

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  (314): I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads. http://tfl.nu/vfmt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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  (440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it? (1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even? http://tfl.nu/6ni1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

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  (616): I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady. http://tfl.nu/ufs6
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

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  (814): I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?" http://tfl.nu/d4r4
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.

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  (740): ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days. http://tfl.nu/z4ue
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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  (704): I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window http://tfl.nu/ly7e
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  (631): View more from New York

  New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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  (631): New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled. http://tfl.nu/1807
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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  (918): It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin. http://tfl.nu/s6ok
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  (909): View more from California

  and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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  (909): and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests".... http://tfl.nu/4e7u
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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  (215): I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!" http://tfl.nu/0rpe
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who are you high with right now?

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  (513): chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it. (513): Who are you high with right now? http://tfl.nu/0n4i
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

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  (812): You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time. http://tfl.nu/0lxp
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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  (416): Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up http://tfl.nu/zoaj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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  (724): I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo. (724): That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling http://tfl.nu/z57r
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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  (414): no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good. http://tfl.nu/zhbu
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  (315): View more from New York

  i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.

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  (315): i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night. http://tfl.nu/xhhx
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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  (970): Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single http://tfl.nu/1weq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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  (512): its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video http://tfl.nu/p3je
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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  (774): He likes bondage and spanking and shit. (508): Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that. http://tfl.nu/4784
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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  (617): living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST. http://tfl.nu/nhyx
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  (626): View more from California

  in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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  (626): in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to" http://tfl.nu/ga0k
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

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  (952): you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits http://tfl.nu/5p30
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  (949): View more from California

  Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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  (949): Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless. http://tfl.nu/j4zx
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  (646): View more from New York

  You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

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  (646): You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std? http://tfl.nu/jhp0
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
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  (408): View more from California

  She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

  (1-408): View more from California

  I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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  (408): She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit (1-408): I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards http://tfl.nu/ssrb
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.

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  (814): I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/0v9r
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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  (651): how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting? http://tfl.nu/ew93
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  (562): View more from California

  ...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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  (562): ...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are http://tfl.nu/3209
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.

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  (205): Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it. http://tfl.nu/qoct
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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  (513): you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her http://tfl.nu/dn9c
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  (432): View more from Texas

  So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

  (207): View more from Maine

  You need to stop watching Twilight.

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  (432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler? (207): You need to stop watching Twilight. http://tfl.nu/oudp
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  (323): View more from California

  Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!

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  (323): Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end! http://tfl.nu/gq8b
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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  (819): We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive. http://tfl.nu/7d2g
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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  (253): i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis" http://tfl.nu/kjwy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  This is evicking siegelnvs

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Im sorry?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  This is fucking ridiculous*

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  (410): This is evicking siegelnvs (443): Im sorry? (410): This is fucking ridiculous* http://tfl.nu/9l7k
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  (769): View more from Mississippi

  she said she likes her vagina punished

  (1-769): View more from Mississippi

  being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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  (769): she said she likes her vagina punished (1-769): being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough http://tfl.nu/ts79
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

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  (908): it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend http://tfl.nu/ha54
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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  (412): It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus." http://tfl.nu/ftkz
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  (415): View more from California

  mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

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  (415): mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you http://tfl.nu/75lg
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted

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  (808): he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted http://tfl.nu/o6gq
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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  (662): She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked. http://tfl.nu/ji5s
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

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  (917): If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I? http://tfl.nu/azfj
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  (559): View more from California

  i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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  (559): i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat. http://tfl.nu/jbsx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  next time on intervention

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  (519): isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks? (416): yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off. (519): next time on intervention http://tfl.nu/rnty
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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  (773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled "worthless" wrong. http://tfl.nu/nbo3
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?

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  (603): So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'? http://tfl.nu/2o2u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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  (617): i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later http://tfl.nu/ptu9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

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  (508): It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode. http://tfl.nu/vudg
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  (936): View more from Texas

  he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  and...?

  (936): View more from Texas

  I told him it was alright.

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  (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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  (860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god. http://tfl.nu/co52
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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  (913): They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this. http://tfl.nu/muxl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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  (630): I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible. http://tfl.nu/8o92
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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  (775): I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;) (1-775): Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city. http://tfl.nu/zbb5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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  (708): He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam.. http://tfl.nu/opqs
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?

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  (770): I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward? http://tfl.nu/lg8a
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

  (619): View more from California

  with a huge shlong

  (440): View more from Ohio

  massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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  (440): if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life (619): with a huge shlong (440): massive. i wanna make bitches cry http://tfl.nu/imk4
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

  (647): View more from Ontario

  well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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  (416): dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross (647): well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun http://tfl.nu/i4zj
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

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  (402): Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/4vu7
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (213): View more from California

  your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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  (213): your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now. http://tfl.nu/w3yg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  dollar beers will do that to you.

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  (630): I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning. (1-630): dollar beers will do that to you. http://tfl.nu/e57v
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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  (520): Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn http://tfl.nu/666p
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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  (618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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  (706): Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic http://tfl.nu/himg
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  (916): View more from California

  i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

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  (916): i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store... http://tfl.nu/z9dc
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  (530): View more from California

  I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!

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  (530): I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds! http://tfl.nu/6diw
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  (442): View more from California

  seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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  (442): seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong http://tfl.nu/rvkg
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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  (717): we were pretty classy up until the second keg http://tfl.nu/du30
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

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  (336): I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/vg1w
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

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  (336): She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous? http://tfl.nu/rvj0
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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  (574): apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!" http://tfl.nu/r6a4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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  (443): Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now. http://tfl.nu/xaw7
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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  (678): Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans. http://tfl.nu/jpyk
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.

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  (612): rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/9ytt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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  (717): He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it. http://tfl.nu/0zar
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.

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  (206): Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night. http://tfl.nu/k94l
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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  (410): So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed. (443): YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT? http://tfl.nu/cgqa
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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  (502): if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it http://tfl.nu/pt50
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

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  (859): I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn. http://tfl.nu/8uge
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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  (303): Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop. http://tfl.nu/81x3
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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  (801): I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER http://tfl.nu/tbl0
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk

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  (704): She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk http://tfl.nu/c7yo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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  (708): i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life http://tfl.nu/nn4z
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (516): View more from New York

  Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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  (516): Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid. http://tfl.nu/hcvk
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

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  (778): Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter? http://tfl.nu/1qb1
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  (607): View more from New York

  I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

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  (607): I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships. http://tfl.nu/rdml
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