Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i came on her dog
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.