Texts From Last Night

Rexxar's Favorites Texts:

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  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
  Replies (18) Good night (4775) Bad night (196)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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  (919): It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion. http://tfl.nu/luwj
  Replies (9) Good night (2146) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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  (850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn
  Replies (9) Good night (3003) Bad night (179) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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  (226): This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/a5mz
  Replies (6) Good night (2291) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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  (215): I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang. http://tfl.nu/znwa
  Replies (9) Good night (1934) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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  (847): I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet. http://tfl.nu/ancz
  Replies (9) Good night (3394) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

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  (423): Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone. http://tfl.nu/b7in
  Replies (10) Good night (1729) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.

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  (724): He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot. http://tfl.nu/rv64
  Replies (2) Good night (595) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

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  (925): She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set http://tfl.nu/ske1
  Replies (6) Good night (296) Bad night (1370)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.

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  (606): I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail. http://tfl.nu/b2ml
  Replies (11) Good night (164) Bad night (3492) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You're so thoughtful.

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  (813): There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad. (701): You're so thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/53am
  Replies (1) Good night (987) Bad night (183)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

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  (931): I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that. http://tfl.nu/d355
  Replies (6) Good night (692) Bad night (1153)
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  (716): View more from New York

  The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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  (716): The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man. http://tfl.nu/vdpw
  Replies (7) Good night (2359) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

  (530): View more from California

  I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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  (760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy (530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf
  Replies (11) Good night (2800) Bad night (251)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

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  (319): Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition? http://tfl.nu/khff
  Replies (11) Good night (1799) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
  Replies (7) Good night (2162) Bad night (308)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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  (703): Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down... http://tfl.nu/5zyg
  Replies (6) Good night (2074) Bad night (362)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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  (403): Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit. http://tfl.nu/379t
  Replies (8) Good night (2454) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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  (801): walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home. http://tfl.nu/tt4s
  Replies (7) Good night (2850) Bad night (323)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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  (207): I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine.... (617): This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs. http://tfl.nu/5fub
  Replies (12) Good night (2561) Bad night (562)
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
  Replies (7) Good night (2891) Bad night (335)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

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  (281): I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever. http://tfl.nu/j15t
  Replies (5) Good night (1665) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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  (360): You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/13cn
  Replies (4) Good night (2510) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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  (830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her http://tfl.nu/0ly7
  Replies (11) Good night (1848) Bad night (284)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

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  (978): The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty. http://tfl.nu/l80d
  Replies (10) Good night (1668) Bad night (277)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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  (780): let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING http://tfl.nu/vf6d
  Replies (7) Good night (1697) Bad night (355)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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  (409): Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo http://tfl.nu/65rk
  Replies (15) Good night (2070) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

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  (518): You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come. http://tfl.nu/a590
  Replies (17) Good night (2159) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (434) Good night (107943) Bad night (8843) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (484) Good night (128176) Bad night (5059)
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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  (289): Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food. http://tfl.nu/bfcw
  Replies (8) Good night (2994) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

  (253): View more from Washington

  you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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  (360): Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone. (253): you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker. http://tfl.nu/ov6f
  Replies (3) Good night (2144) Bad night (737)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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  (903): I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair... http://tfl.nu/9cft
  Replies (15) Good night (722) Bad night (1712) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

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  (512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis http://tfl.nu/fz62
  Replies (6) Good night (1855) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
  Replies (7) Good night (3865) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

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  (952): Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?" http://tfl.nu/w3wv
  Replies (12) Good night (2242) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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  (563): he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on. http://tfl.nu/j2lo
  Replies (9) Good night (535) Bad night (1567)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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  (970): I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/vise
  Replies (9) Good night (492) Bad night (2877) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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  (919): I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping. http://tfl.nu/iyfp
  Replies (10) Good night (1679) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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  (936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me. http://tfl.nu/du0t
  Replies (13) Good night (3365) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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  (727): If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take. http://tfl.nu/cnz2
  Replies (10) Good night (568) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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  (+44): I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs. http://tfl.nu/qoq8
  Replies (7) Good night (2179) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

  (1-530): View more from California

  at least it wasnt animals

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  (530): Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences. (1-530): at least it wasnt animals http://tfl.nu/kq9s
  Replies (3) Good night (680) Bad night (1170) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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  (303): I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen. http://tfl.nu/li1t
  Replies (4) Good night (1678) Bad night (294)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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  (507): he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day. http://tfl.nu/m5g5
  Replies (4) Good night (1499) Bad night (288)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
  Replies (18) Good night (3691) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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  (801): When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married? http://tfl.nu/a2v4
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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  (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
  Replies (12) Good night (3478) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
  Replies (7) Good night (3848) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

  (972): View more from Texas

  OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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  (972): The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard (972): OHHH and there was a Batman too. http://tfl.nu/jx09
  Replies (13) Good night (1086) Bad night (325)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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  (215): What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller." http://tfl.nu/x4em
  Replies (21) Good night (2588) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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  (859): in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick" http://tfl.nu/v34k
  Replies (18) Good night (4309) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

  (1-704): View more from North Carolina

  I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, you are the most awesome.

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  (704): She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket. (1-704): I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court. (704): Dude, you are the most awesome. http://tfl.nu/z7ku
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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  (334): It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls. http://tfl.nu/cfx1
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  (716): View more from New York

  Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

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  (716): Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle? http://tfl.nu/rwr7
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

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  (713): Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made http://tfl.nu/mjv4
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
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  (949): View more from California

  am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

  (415): View more from California

  i thought you knew

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  (949): am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy? (415): i thought you knew http://tfl.nu/8kec
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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  (614): at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure. http://tfl.nu/2f8p
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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  (804): What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language. http://tfl.nu/0hum
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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  (506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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  (814): Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect http://tfl.nu/4whi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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  (781): Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave. http://tfl.nu/vplg
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed

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  (250): Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed http://tfl.nu/yyfl
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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  (205): i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP http://tfl.nu/52p4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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  (+61): can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room http://tfl.nu/484e
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  (50): View more from

  I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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  (50): I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious. http://tfl.nu/irod
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

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  (520): They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield" http://tfl.nu/wdyt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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  (+44): he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?! http://tfl.nu/a2n2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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  (+44): In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent http://tfl.nu/3kq5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.

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  (508): she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms. http://tfl.nu/mjwo
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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  (270): You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." http://tfl.nu/lp5j
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Glad to hear you raised your standards

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  (720): Not even desperate vagina wants small cock. (303): Glad to hear you raised your standards http://tfl.nu/lulg
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  (585): View more from New York

  In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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  (585): In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is? http://tfl.nu/537k
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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  (206): Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence. http://tfl.nu/f8os
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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  (570): i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition. http://tfl.nu/mkq9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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  (540): Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft. http://tfl.nu/aaf2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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  (443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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  (715): hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes? http://tfl.nu/o98x
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  (801): View more from Utah

  On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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  (801): On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/cd3c
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

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  (551): The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet. http://tfl.nu/8f2g
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

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  (918): Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub http://tfl.nu/8dtz
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

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  (785): It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired. http://tfl.nu/t1fn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

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  (513): Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far? http://tfl.nu/e2iz
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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  (423): She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21. http://tfl.nu/keb8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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  (515): Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/28bg
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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  (563): I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished. http://tfl.nu/1qri
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  #1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

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  (859): #1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home http://tfl.nu/wpbx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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  (248): he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg. http://tfl.nu/hgt4
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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  (515): She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped. http://tfl.nu/qksr
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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  (563): She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me. http://tfl.nu/so2a
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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  (612): Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things. http://tfl.nu/vads
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

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  (219): I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall http://tfl.nu/2grv
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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  (412): He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick http://tfl.nu/s4cq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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  (214): I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused." http://tfl.nu/qcvq
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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  (603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with. http://tfl.nu/tzze
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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  (847): just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain". http://tfl.nu/ukpa
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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  (612): Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now. http://tfl.nu/5ad5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

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  (913): You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl http://tfl.nu/bt6t
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  (914): View more from New York

  all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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  (914): all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is http://tfl.nu/2h7o
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  (786): View more from Florida

  i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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  (786): i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy" http://tfl.nu/v0t3
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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  (516): Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads http://tfl.nu/zprq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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  (727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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  (814): well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it http://tfl.nu/ljcc
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  (631): View more from New York

  She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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  (631): She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other. http://tfl.nu/8uqn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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  (804): Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night? http://tfl.nu/x7lh
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  (716): View more from New York

  I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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  (716): I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing. http://tfl.nu/wqpy
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  What happened to chicks over dicks?

  (1-514): View more from Quebec

  That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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  (514): What happened to chicks over dicks? (1-514): That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks.. http://tfl.nu/nat7
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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  (708): He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain http://tfl.nu/7dwy
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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  (229): She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever http://tfl.nu/g4y3
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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  (614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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  (321): I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident. http://tfl.nu/j6a8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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  (404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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  (773): You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker. http://tfl.nu/r3lm
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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  (973): America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am http://tfl.nu/1gc0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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  (386): Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation. http://tfl.nu/xc4n
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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  (416): You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill.. http://tfl.nu/sqyp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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  (404): She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7 http://tfl.nu/xypt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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  (615): Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron. http://tfl.nu/4qyy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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  (214): You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/nfga
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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  (513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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  (615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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  (615): it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex.. http://tfl.nu/6q5t
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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  (732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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  (901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury http://tfl.nu/7ksy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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  (816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/7j97
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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  (678): He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going. http://tfl.nu/db5s
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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  (321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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  (816): she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL. http://tfl.nu/ostw
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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  (484): You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you. http://tfl.nu/o9a4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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  (403): you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape. http://tfl.nu/to8s
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

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  (251): I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost http://tfl.nu/fd0l
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

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  (570): He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom. http://tfl.nu/2ayy
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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  (207): My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense http://tfl.nu/p3xl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
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  (845): View more from New York

  You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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  (845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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  (859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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  (225): She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us http://tfl.nu/zfzd
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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  (717): They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had http://tfl.nu/qmkc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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  (917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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  (630): You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot http://tfl.nu/u2s7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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  (570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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  (602): I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door. http://tfl.nu/hvfb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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  (815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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  (330): The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops. http://tfl.nu/2l9n
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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  (858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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  (402): The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/3lte
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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  (573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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  (419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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  (860): My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen.. http://tfl.nu/c7n8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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  (517): if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy http://tfl.nu/rglc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

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  (973): i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me http://tfl.nu/lmdm
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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  (515): you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night? http://tfl.nu/cew2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

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  (248): Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/6oxt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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  (248): Any little, cute, petite blondes with you? (1-248): Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though. http://tfl.nu/s8t4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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  (580): She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head. http://tfl.nu/4ro8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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  (317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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  (201): i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed. http://tfl.nu/ojs9
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you should probably use water

  (440): View more from Ohio

  i dont have any

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  (440): do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water? (1-440): you should probably use water (440): i dont have any http://tfl.nu/eak0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

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  (678): Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about http://tfl.nu/m34e
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

  (623): View more from Arizona

  What did she do!?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I didn't tell her...

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  (602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her... (623): What did she do!? (602): I didn't tell her... http://tfl.nu/i351
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  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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  (616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up. http://tfl.nu/sgel
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (818): View more from California

  I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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  (818): I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder. http://tfl.nu/z8u4
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  (607): View more from New York

  My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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  (607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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  (763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless http://tfl.nu/hdeq
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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  (267): he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana. http://tfl.nu/oxo3
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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