My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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