We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".