radical666's Favorites Texts:

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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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  (303): We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options http://tfl.nu/lflv
  Replies (12) Good night (1737) Bad night (298)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang

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  (603): You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang http://tfl.nu/srl1
  Replies (0) Good night (653) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi

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  (832): Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi http://tfl.nu/cj6k
  Replies (10) Good night (1161) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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  (619): Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it. http://tfl.nu/xm8c
  Replies (8) Good night (1812) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

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  (319): i think i broke my dog last night...fuck http://tfl.nu/y38t
  Replies (6) Good night (335) Bad night (1607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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  (585): WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY! http://tfl.nu/cmgh
  Replies (17) Good night (2543) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.

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  (507): My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/u9b9
  Replies (0) Good night (538) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..

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  (412): I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk.. http://tfl.nu/mdzo
  Replies (5) Good night (671) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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  (973): America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am http://tfl.nu/1gc0
  Replies (8) Good night (6993) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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  (779): I smell like gasoline and adventure. http://tfl.nu/rkdf
  Replies (18) Good night (2363) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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  (860): My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church. (1-860): I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life. http://tfl.nu/n824
  Replies (4) Good night (1951) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!

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  (209): Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology! http://tfl.nu/c0oh
  Replies (5) Good night (946) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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  (484): Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere. http://tfl.nu/h3z2
  Replies (7) Good night (2641) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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  (425): You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap http://tfl.nu/o5dz
  Replies (9) Good night (4385) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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  (336): I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs. http://tfl.nu/p7wi
  Replies (5) Good night (1932) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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  (504): Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high. http://tfl.nu/srpn
  Replies (11) Good night (4759) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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  (270): True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor. http://tfl.nu/bso0
  Replies (10) Good night (1725) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
  Replies (19) Good night (10577) Bad night (1125)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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  (919): When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs. http://tfl.nu/7b1r
  Replies (6) Good night (1388) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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  (703): To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M." http://tfl.nu/juhx
  Replies (8) Good night (6028) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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  (724): he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR http://tfl.nu/mrnu
  Replies (7) Good night (2266) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets

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  (510): I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets http://tfl.nu/m0gr
  Replies (6) Good night (1568) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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  (509): Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it. http://tfl.nu/ou1a
  Replies (3) Good night (2362) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

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  (870): He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors http://tfl.nu/atyp
  Replies (6) Good night (2352) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
  Replies (36) Good night (5880) Bad night (1038)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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  (360): DIN'T JUSGE NE. http://tfl.nu/13q1
  Replies (15) Good night (4087) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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  (503): I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken. http://tfl.nu/j72e
  Replies (6) Good night (710) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

  (1-951): View more from California

  I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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  (951): Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny. (1-951): I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection. http://tfl.nu/lb55
  Replies (3) Good night (967) Bad night (291)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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  (214): I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room. http://tfl.nu/9wgv
  Replies (7) Good night (4186) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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  (541): It's like the blind leading the senile over here. (541): UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili. http://tfl.nu/cgpf
  Replies (7) Good night (1592) Bad night (773)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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  (+44): Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become. (+44): It turns out my teeth are bleeding. http://tfl.nu/m4n5
  Replies (4) Good night (433) Bad night (1750)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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  (605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn
  Replies (30) Good night (10384) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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  (972): I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy. http://tfl.nu/nung
  Replies (14) Good night (2126) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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  (603): should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format? http://tfl.nu/bwcb
  Replies (26) Good night (11199) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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  (216): Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left. http://tfl.nu/jvbq
  Replies (6) Good night (1417) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.

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  (203): A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM. http://tfl.nu/tstz
  Replies (4) Good night (2319) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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  (978): What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax? http://tfl.nu/zknj
  Replies (12) Good night (3495) Bad night (1138) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..

  (707): View more from California

  WOAH TOO HIGH

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  (707): I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted.. (707): WOAH TOO HIGH http://tfl.nu/n7qo
  Replies (3) Good night (853) Bad night (274)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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  (561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84
  Replies (15) Good night (4701) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  That's all I've ever wanted.

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  (307): I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up. (303): That's all I've ever wanted. http://tfl.nu/ydlb
  Replies (6) Good night (1104) Bad night (263)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

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  (651): We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots. http://tfl.nu/8ot5
  Replies (3) Good night (1915) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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  (402): He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house. http://tfl.nu/iz51
  Replies (9) Good night (1548) Bad night (3199) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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  (307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8
  Replies (8) Good night (3596) Bad night (1336) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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  (905): Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious" http://tfl.nu/f3vn
  Replies (4) Good night (2789) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.

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  (585): complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this. http://tfl.nu/7hr5
  Replies (6) Good night (3160) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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  (603): Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa (603): I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel... http://tfl.nu/ns98
  Replies (11) Good night (3204) Bad night (788)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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  (732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w
  Replies (7) Good night (3367) Bad night (1501) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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  (415): Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself. http://tfl.nu/x6rs
  Replies (18) Good night (5345) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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  (773): Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days. http://tfl.nu/hblx
  Replies (6) Good night (1005) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
  Replies (11) Good night (2483) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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  (512): scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck http://tfl.nu/04pl
  Replies (6) Good night (2307) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (31) Good night (14746) Bad night (1579) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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  (443): well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/je7g
  Replies (2) Good night (1556) Bad night (529)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

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  (303): I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?" http://tfl.nu/z8zt
  Replies (2) Good night (1273) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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  (309): I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pxkc
  Replies (14) Good night (3449) Bad night (1075) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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  (404): Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA. http://tfl.nu/z3qk
  Replies (7) Good night (5366) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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  (910): My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete. http://tfl.nu/yj31
  Replies (2) Good night (2912) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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  (757): you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR. http://tfl.nu/zp8x
  Replies (8) Good night (1614) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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  (215): i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go http://tfl.nu/3dxd
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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  (862): You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe" http://tfl.nu/u8zn
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.

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  (973): Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms. http://tfl.nu/spzh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think

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  (443): If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think http://tfl.nu/rcq5
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

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  (516): Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking http://tfl.nu/xf50
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

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  (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love. http://tfl.nu/5dr3
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  (817): View more from Texas

  It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

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  (817): It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila. http://tfl.nu/g1g0
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.

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  (907): Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy. http://tfl.nu/fd5d
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  (207): View more from Maine

  We are hot boxing the gondola

  (607): View more from New York

  I hate everything.

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  (207): We are hot boxing the gondola (607): I hate everything. http://tfl.nu/4t9d
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

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  (540): We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment. http://tfl.nu/ze3a
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever

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  (619): I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever http://tfl.nu/mt31
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.

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  (775): Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form. http://tfl.nu/2bqh
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

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  (804): Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony http://tfl.nu/wi0z
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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  (720): I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me. http://tfl.nu/g7lo
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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  (630): And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear http://tfl.nu/df24
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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  (913): So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof. http://tfl.nu/7fh1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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  (937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9
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  (310): View more from California

  Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

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  (310): Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end? http://tfl.nu/mjc4
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.

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  (316): He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over. http://tfl.nu/vzgx
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  (516): View more from New York

  Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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  (516): Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back. http://tfl.nu/h2g1
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
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  (925): View more from California

  She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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  (925): She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about. http://tfl.nu/434y
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Way to promote small business.

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  (314): Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business (314): Way to promote small business. http://tfl.nu/n30m
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  (518): View more from New York

  Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

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  (518): Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit. (1-518): Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger. http://tfl.nu/7ysx
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics

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  (215): I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics http://tfl.nu/7hhz
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

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  (413): I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night. http://tfl.nu/bi4m
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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  (509): My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand http://tfl.nu/ch2o
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

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  (574): HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT http://tfl.nu/0hwo
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  knight in shining armor

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  (574): he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog (1-574): knight in shining armor http://tfl.nu/bdyw
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  (716): View more from New York

  So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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  (716): So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed. (1-716): Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money http://tfl.nu/8jhe
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.

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  (660): What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food. http://tfl.nu/k4pm
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

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  (480): her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying. http://tfl.nu/a94q
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool

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  (404): That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool http://tfl.nu/ivmu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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  (513): Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants. http://tfl.nu/xbb5
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  (510): View more from California

  my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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  (510): my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore. http://tfl.nu/307f
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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  (615): you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here http://tfl.nu/rzkr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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  (970): I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dlw8
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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  (423): We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands. http://tfl.nu/9yq1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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  (425): I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?" http://tfl.nu/i35w
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  (310): View more from California

  I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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  (310): I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning. http://tfl.nu/9168
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

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  (936): Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check http://tfl.nu/ivap
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  (916): View more from California

  I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.

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  (916): I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background. http://tfl.nu/r9ng
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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  (862): He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking http://tfl.nu/6gnv
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  (916): View more from California

  Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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  (916): Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you. http://tfl.nu/jbv6
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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  (252): We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground http://tfl.nu/v1ru
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.

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  (952): You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning. http://tfl.nu/mwji
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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  (403): the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask. http://tfl.nu/zsyi
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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  (647): there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper. http://tfl.nu/yyzx
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Goddamn tequila

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  (306): I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one (306): Goddamn tequila http://tfl.nu/4ri7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends

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  (919): Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends http://tfl.nu/02aa
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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  (416): drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets. http://tfl.nu/drct
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  (650): View more from California

  Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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  (650): Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human http://tfl.nu/6fr0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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  (717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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  (662): they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments. http://tfl.nu/u5vp
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  (916): View more from California

  1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

  (707): View more from California

  *roof

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  (916): 1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor. (707): *roof http://tfl.nu/ph25
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.

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  (+44): I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning. http://tfl.nu/v2mo
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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  (343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted http://tfl.nu/gnt2
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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  (270): If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am http://tfl.nu/t19w
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  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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  (410): You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip http://tfl.nu/bjin
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

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  (410): halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt http://tfl.nu/2dpk
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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  (970): You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan. http://tfl.nu/do61
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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  (541): get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear. http://tfl.nu/nwnx
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  (355): View more from

  He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

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  (355): He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat http://tfl.nu/brov
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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  (856): we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon" http://tfl.nu/pn3g
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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  (678): Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out http://tfl.nu/g5nx
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf

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  (250): dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf http://tfl.nu/yf3n
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  (415): View more from California

  I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

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  (415): I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS. http://tfl.nu/cwy1
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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  (502): I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink" http://tfl.nu/1myn
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  (310): View more from California

  You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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  (310): You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila. http://tfl.nu/3egv
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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  (715): oh my god i'm in a crawl space http://tfl.nu/mjlz
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.

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  (970): I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive. http://tfl.nu/p82j
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  (213): View more from California

  Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20

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  (213): Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20 http://tfl.nu/udx8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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  (330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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  (541): I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice" http://tfl.nu/9e22
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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  (314): New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there? http://tfl.nu/271n
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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  (248): He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall. http://tfl.nu/m004
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

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  (339): I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step" http://tfl.nu/eora
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.

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  (506): I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow. http://tfl.nu/72sd
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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  (204): I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL. http://tfl.nu/e718
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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  (604): Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer," http://tfl.nu/po39
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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  (678): I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE! http://tfl.nu/ve9p
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  (315): View more from New York

  i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

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  (315): i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there. http://tfl.nu/6jl7
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  (863): View more from Florida

  So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

  (1-863): View more from Florida

  You're a fucking train wreck.

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  (863): So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal. (1-863): You're a fucking train wreck. http://tfl.nu/4qd3
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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  (816): He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man http://tfl.nu/qpf8
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

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  (985): I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day http://tfl.nu/t2zq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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  (801): What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director." http://tfl.nu/kql1
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.

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  (443): Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack. http://tfl.nu/wgh7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

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  (214): I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship http://tfl.nu/dbjp
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.

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  (269): I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now. http://tfl.nu/er1x
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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  (912): Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up. http://tfl.nu/ccc0
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'

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  (361): I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh' http://tfl.nu/gd1h
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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  (319): We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30" http://tfl.nu/oadk
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (817): View more from Texas

  We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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  (817): We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen. http://tfl.nu/j56a
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.

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  (937): I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast. http://tfl.nu/9len
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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  (512): Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice http://tfl.nu/6dv2
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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  (256): I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK. http://tfl.nu/2pqx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

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  (+44): I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka. http://tfl.nu/sj2z
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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  (575): We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins. http://tfl.nu/gnps
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  (817): View more from Texas

  We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals

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  (817): We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals http://tfl.nu/i9zu
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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  (405): I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning. http://tfl.nu/v1az
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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  (614): All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave http://tfl.nu/wc16
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.

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  (414): czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw. http://tfl.nu/4g8m
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  (408): View more from California

  I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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  (408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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  (508): I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals. http://tfl.nu/elpv
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

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  (616): When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED." http://tfl.nu/uf90
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  (727): View more from Florida

  just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

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  (727): just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday http://tfl.nu/w3i7
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  (760): View more from California

  Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

  (818): View more from California

  That was one of the best texts I got today

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  (760): Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner. (818): That was one of the best texts I got today http://tfl.nu/vb5p
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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  (608): I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!" http://tfl.nu/mxo7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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  (817): I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care http://tfl.nu/4w1d
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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  (302): Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself. http://tfl.nu/ycey
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.

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  (616): Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind. http://tfl.nu/1wb4
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  (914): View more from New York

  2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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  (914): 2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay. http://tfl.nu/1m5k
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

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  (204): I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am http://tfl.nu/cxx7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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  (732): you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito" http://tfl.nu/4p4o
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library

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  (404): Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library http://tfl.nu/areb
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  (310): View more from California

  If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place

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  (310): If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place http://tfl.nu/skdk
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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  (810): Two word: claymation porn. Think about it. (1-810): I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me. http://tfl.nu/emwe
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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  (401): Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible. http://tfl.nu/g0k8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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  (613): We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed. http://tfl.nu/xcuo
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  (315): View more from New York

  My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

  (1-315): View more from New York

  I fucking hate you.

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  (315): My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present. (1-315): I fucking hate you. http://tfl.nu/u3wv
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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  (336): I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale. http://tfl.nu/9c1d
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  just fucking run.

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  (304): i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape? (301): just fucking run. http://tfl.nu/0wzu
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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  (240): and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. http://tfl.nu/oorw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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  (708): you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato http://tfl.nu/7tnq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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  (847): This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword. http://tfl.nu/au8n
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  (716): View more from New York

  He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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  (716): He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies. http://tfl.nu/v70e
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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  (404): Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken. http://tfl.nu/s1v7
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself

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  (204): Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself http://tfl.nu/03x0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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  (203): You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet. http://tfl.nu/4f2y
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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  (519): You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard http://tfl.nu/bgm2
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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  (732): He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love! http://tfl.nu/kaje
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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  (828): I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since. http://tfl.nu/iexd
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  it's a Wednesday?

  (419): View more from Ohio

  :)

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  (419): I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone. (1-419): it's a Wednesday? (419): :) http://tfl.nu/grqr
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this

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  (913): Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this http://tfl.nu/urxm
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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  (603): to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald. http://tfl.nu/pb1j
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

  (516): View more from New York

  then nothing in my life counts

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  (860): official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count (516): then nothing in my life counts http://tfl.nu/4fe8
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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  (206): I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day. http://tfl.nu/m69g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window

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  (703): You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window http://tfl.nu/usl6
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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  (630): I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..' http://tfl.nu/mj73
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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  (250): Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/u2fj
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???

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  (325): Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong??? http://tfl.nu/adeh
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  (716): View more from New York

  Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

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  (716): Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him. http://tfl.nu/tozm
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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  (918): He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend http://tfl.nu/82q6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  I'm a bad man.

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  (732): While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing. (732): You said you were "testing the product for Chris." (848): I'm a bad man. http://tfl.nu/x77n
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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  (301): His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy. (1-301): I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok. http://tfl.nu/z40b
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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  (702): Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on? http://tfl.nu/7zfe
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity

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  (423): Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity http://tfl.nu/dliq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.

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  (256): She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks. http://tfl.nu/9wib
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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  (505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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  (860): Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt? (1-860): I don't understand but I'll be there in 5 http://tfl.nu/rms0
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

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  (574): It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me http://tfl.nu/pd5w
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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  (540): you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out" http://tfl.nu/77z0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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  (360): i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical http://tfl.nu/7e1z
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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  (731): I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come. http://tfl.nu/qxho
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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  (614): would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter. http://tfl.nu/c050
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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  (270): Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/gp7l
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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  (816): We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it. http://tfl.nu/u2s4
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.

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  (219): He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket. http://tfl.nu/ujcd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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  (401): Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u http://tfl.nu/jall
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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  (610): Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil? http://tfl.nu/j8sh
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.

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  (204): when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape. http://tfl.nu/srkz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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  (404): Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining. http://tfl.nu/2wxu
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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  (304): You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar. http://tfl.nu/zoyd
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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  (603): my cup is half full, half full of rum. http://tfl.nu/ajky
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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  (919): I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o9nw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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  (717): I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it. http://tfl.nu/i1s8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

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  (513): It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle http://tfl.nu/f7n7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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  (401): Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday. http://tfl.nu/wqr0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.

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  (513): Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well. http://tfl.nu/s9im
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

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  (248): I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom. http://tfl.nu/9ssn
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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  (856): i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is. http://tfl.nu/k9ab
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.

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  (262): Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour. http://tfl.nu/rkpz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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  (214): dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/o6xr
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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  (401): Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life" http://tfl.nu/0dy4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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  (503): They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that? http://tfl.nu/8vi3
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.

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  (480): We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her. http://tfl.nu/hua5
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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  (610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville. http://tfl.nu/k1x4
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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  (352): Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman. http://tfl.nu/vqgs
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
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  (631): View more from New York

  I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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  (631): I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation. http://tfl.nu/bilr
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  (206): View more from Washington

  the night ended with taco bell and tears

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  (206): the night ended with taco bell and tears http://tfl.nu/rh7j
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

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  (419): You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you. http://tfl.nu/qq0g
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata

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  (404): And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata http://tfl.nu/65h3
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  (760): View more from California

  It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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  (760): It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect http://tfl.nu/8hkz
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Drunk walkin through police station. America

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  (406): Drunk walkin through police station. America http://tfl.nu/cieu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed

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  (330): You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed http://tfl.nu/shn6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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  (706): we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk. http://tfl.nu/l985
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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  (660): There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK http://tfl.nu/9rna
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

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  (815): Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas http://tfl.nu/uer1
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  (805): View more from California

  We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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  (805): We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?" http://tfl.nu/3rqz
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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  (301): This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday http://tfl.nu/hzvp
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  (352): View more from Florida

  My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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  (352): My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone. http://tfl.nu/x5d3
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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  (618): I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays. http://tfl.nu/7cee
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  (813): View more from Florida

  just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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  (813): just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl" http://tfl.nu/n699
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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  (330): Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum. http://tfl.nu/36en
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Like Teddy Roosevelt

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  (203): I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads (1-203): Like Teddy Roosevelt http://tfl.nu/jrby
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  (718): View more from New York

  Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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  (718): Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up. http://tfl.nu/gzqi
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  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

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  (610): SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/afff
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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  (215): There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am. http://tfl.nu/7bo4
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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  (773): No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape. http://tfl.nu/zpzm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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  (203): He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude. http://tfl.nu/xcp6
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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  (804): Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared... http://tfl.nu/czen
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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  (305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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  (641): My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/v9dh
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

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  (306): My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday. http://tfl.nu/tgen
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Brilliant thought; pill pong.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  What could go wrong?

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  (651): Brilliant thought; pill pong. (651): What could go wrong? http://tfl.nu/lofi
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  (415): View more from California

  The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!

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  (415): The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco! http://tfl.nu/lulq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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  (304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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  (904): I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast... http://tfl.nu/hk8s
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.

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  (740): Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life. http://tfl.nu/e384
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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  (570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me". http://tfl.nu/8pyn
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I love foreign exchange students.

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  (417): He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish. (1-417): I love foreign exchange students. http://tfl.nu/3hb4
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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  (604): There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop. http://tfl.nu/phgu
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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  (803): I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me. http://tfl.nu/5d5j
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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  (608): I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP. http://tfl.nu/f5ki
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.

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  (604): My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs. http://tfl.nu/5va8
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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  (267): you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk http://tfl.nu/tgll
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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  (801): He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me. http://tfl.nu/il2t
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  (979): View more from Texas

  He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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  (979): He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic http://tfl.nu/8ocy
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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  (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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  (617): Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever. http://tfl.nu/bxqj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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  (570): Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings... http://tfl.nu/2ar0
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  (510): View more from California

  listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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  (510): listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'. http://tfl.nu/236r
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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  (636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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  (229): He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam. http://tfl.nu/61az
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  (925): View more from California

  you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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  (925): you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left http://tfl.nu/56sv
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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  (403): Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one. http://tfl.nu/ek2z
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"

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  (250): His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer" http://tfl.nu/we03
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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  (847): He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street. http://tfl.nu/tq30
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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  (603): I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks http://tfl.nu/p1yw
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.

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  (401): This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer. http://tfl.nu/lyuy
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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  (573): I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot. http://tfl.nu/yflo
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  (914): View more from New York

  Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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  (914): Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame http://tfl.nu/j5ak
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

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  (412): She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out... (412): She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7. http://tfl.nu/j9aq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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  (908): My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole http://tfl.nu/mk1q
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.

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  (804): he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself. http://tfl.nu/dcvq
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I love you football head

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  (773): Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head. (1-773): I love you football head http://tfl.nu/y5ut
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  (310): View more from California

  She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.

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  (310): She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning. http://tfl.nu/tu4n
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms

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  (503): And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms http://tfl.nu/1av4
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
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  (562): View more from California

  He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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  (562): He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break. http://tfl.nu/ad1k
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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  (781): She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug. http://tfl.nu/2oj9
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

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  (818): I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing http://tfl.nu/hijc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.

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  (304): Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/4u1i
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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  (850): I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day http://tfl.nu/lnlc
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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  (814): You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride. http://tfl.nu/0b9w
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  (530): View more from California

  She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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  (530): She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential http://tfl.nu/2o4m
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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  (801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8
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  (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

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  (805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3
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  (818): View more from California

  I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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  (818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch. http://tfl.nu/o7me
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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  (604): We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy. http://tfl.nu/wtyc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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  (617): my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl". http://tfl.nu/voy6
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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  (785): this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln http://tfl.nu/pu0o
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.

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  (810): She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again. http://tfl.nu/2zep
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

  (239): View more from Florida

  that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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  (850): I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult. (239): that is the opposite of a normal text message. http://tfl.nu/cufq
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.

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  (573): Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more. http://tfl.nu/vzn5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere

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  (208): Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere http://tfl.nu/5ite
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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  (435): Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control. http://tfl.nu/z6u1
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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  (516): i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets http://tfl.nu/efkf
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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  (205): A beer is a heart your wish makes!!! http://tfl.nu/w148
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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  (403): Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit. http://tfl.nu/379t
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".

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  (205): That's why they call him "the cheesegrater". http://tfl.nu/ctav
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