Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Actions speak louder than pants.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.