Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
4 words: hood of his car
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yo dont text me then not text me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?