ImFckngMattDamon's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here. http://tfl.nu/2ffm
  Replies (4) Good night (1043) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty? http://tfl.nu/8wnt
  Replies (5) Good night (1225) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined. http://tfl.nu/slim
  Replies (8) Good night (1338) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me http://tfl.nu/sziw
  Replies (5) Good night (1578) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/b7sx
  Replies (6) Good night (1267) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive. http://tfl.nu/8kly
  Replies (6) Good night (1086) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather. http://tfl.nu/lq1l
  Replies (10) Good night (1130) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual http://tfl.nu/83u7
  Replies (3) Good night (853) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina. http://tfl.nu/6jcd
  Replies (9) Good night (2170) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow http://tfl.nu/l8ph
  Replies (10) Good night (3823) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  No...this little piggys going to the bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): No...this little piggys going to the bar http://tfl.nu/e3y1
  Replies (5) Good night (1499) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him. http://tfl.nu/ztsm
  Replies (4) Good night (1348) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life. http://tfl.nu/pmkh
  Replies (5) Good night (1051) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color http://tfl.nu/hgij
  Replies (5) Good night (1661) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
  Replies (27) Good night (3286) Bad night (532)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now http://tfl.nu/aqb9
  Replies (11) Good night (1756) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today? http://tfl.nu/mxod
  Replies (5) Good night (1218) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with. http://tfl.nu/vaw3
  Replies (14) Good night (620) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band. http://tfl.nu/ldj0
  Replies (10) Good night (2508) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off http://tfl.nu/h8mk
  Replies (11) Good night (2108) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open. http://tfl.nu/s990
  Replies (8) Good night (1839) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): A beer is a heart your wish makes!!! http://tfl.nu/w148
  Replies (4) Good night (1218) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table http://tfl.nu/i2oz
  Replies (25) Good night (1374) Bad night (4052) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I need a burrito and a hug.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): I need a burrito and a hug. http://tfl.nu/ezdk
  Replies (12) Good night (1229) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me. http://tfl.nu/kvah
  Replies (7) Good night (720) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration. http://tfl.nu/xlpu
  Replies (5) Good night (1168) Bad night (411)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover. http://tfl.nu/1zuj
  Replies (4) Good night (1217) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza. http://tfl.nu/8owv
  Replies (2) Good night (868) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy http://tfl.nu/6i8p
  Replies (18) Good night (1031) Bad night (1928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done! http://tfl.nu/5vwu
  Replies (18) Good night (1317) Bad night (2583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy http://tfl.nu/obh2
  Replies (6) Good night (1360) Bad night (3195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock. http://tfl.nu/fdm1
  Replies (9) Good night (3023) Bad night (746)
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg. http://tfl.nu/1lfx
  Replies (11) Good night (3352) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed. http://tfl.nu/aqi9
  Replies (6) Good night (3620) Bad night (946) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
  Replies (16) Good night (6214) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after http://tfl.nu/y0mb
  Replies (8) Good night (4556) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815. http://tfl.nu/p37f
  Replies (3) Good night (3418) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine http://tfl.nu/2dy1
  Replies (4) Good night (1200) Bad night (1436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
  Replies (6) Good night (3846) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea. http://tfl.nu/i0ux
  Replies (10) Good night (2872) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears. http://tfl.nu/uyth
  Replies (3) Good night (1057) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend? http://tfl.nu/hi71
  Replies (3) Good night (1094) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine http://tfl.nu/b6e8
  Replies (6) Good night (2213) Bad night (3144) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
  Replies (6) Good night (1949) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Understatement of the year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions. (330): Understatement of the year. http://tfl.nu/jbsv
  Replies (2) Good night (875) Bad night (448)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/rrz0
  Replies (3) Good night (1537) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee. http://tfl.nu/13nr
  Replies (3) Good night (2004) Bad night (301)
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions. http://tfl.nu/8zye
  Replies (4) Good night (1079) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD http://tfl.nu/zdjc
  Replies (10) Good night (984) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death http://tfl.nu/q3md
  Replies (4) Good night (919) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this. http://tfl.nu/nvhn
  Replies (14) Good night (1742) Bad night (405)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us" http://tfl.nu/ho4p
  Replies (3) Good night (1260) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird http://tfl.nu/j88i
  Replies (3) Good night (1714) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in http://tfl.nu/d9qi
  Replies (8) Good night (3886) Bad night (1761)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU. http://tfl.nu/z9mt
  Replies (9) Good night (641) Bad night (1057) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (276): View more from Virginia

  You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (276): You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat. http://tfl.nu/s2nm
  Replies (6) Good night (2153) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"... http://tfl.nu/z8ro
  Replies (19) Good night (3163) Bad night (1044) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy http://tfl.nu/ttbi
  Replies (5) Good night (1076) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT. http://tfl.nu/gdsf
  Replies (6) Good night (5050) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes http://tfl.nu/xen4
  Replies (4) Good night (1057) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
  Replies (21) Good night (4694) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
  Replies (11) Good night (2891) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
  Replies (31) Good night (11324) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  What drink are we having for lunch?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): What drink are we having for lunch? http://tfl.nu/pv1n
  Replies (5) Good night (1062) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point http://tfl.nu/cccx
  Replies (9) Good night (1650) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60. http://tfl.nu/7fqw
  Replies (20) Good night (5978) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl. http://tfl.nu/slvk
  Replies (4) Good night (472) Bad night (1172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come" http://tfl.nu/th7x
  Replies (3) Good night (984) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement. http://tfl.nu/1khp
  Replies (2) Good night (1220) Bad night (382)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
  Replies (13) Good night (8540) Bad night (1176)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I hear you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting. (250): I hear you http://tfl.nu/kr1l
  Replies (7) Good night (2116) Bad night (451)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
  Replies (17) Good night (776) Bad night (1760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
  Replies (22) Good night (3592) Bad night (1650)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups http://tfl.nu/8ph5
  Replies (13) Good night (6146) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas. http://tfl.nu/cqgv
  Replies (23) Good night (4479) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/jhba
  Replies (16) Good night (4823) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again http://tfl.nu/q7wy
  Replies (29) Good night (5012) Bad night (1472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Maybe my heart is located in my vagina http://tfl.nu/huf2
  Replies (18) Good night (5242) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i really wish james franco would like my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): i really wish james franco would like my vagina http://tfl.nu/g4mj
  Replies (25) Good night (5701) Bad night (1119) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
  Replies (17) Good night (5819) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh
  Replies (27) Good night (5981) Bad night (2263) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  My vagina agrees.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again. (614): My vagina agrees. http://tfl.nu/ii41
  Replies (20) Good night (6101) Bad night (723)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp
  Replies (4) Good night (6607) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever. http://tfl.nu/klad
  Replies (20) Good night (7135) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): people would bow to what i just did to her vagina http://tfl.nu/rxjb
  Replies (31) Good night (7200) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  His hands were made for my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy
  Replies (16) Good night (7263) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night. http://tfl.nu/yws8
  Replies (9) Good night (8404) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/ob9t
  Replies (28) Good night (9012) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
  Replies (23) Good night (9204) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
  Replies (96) Good night (16567) Bad night (1205)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): He played pinball with my ovaries. He won. http://tfl.nu/otpy
  Replies (7) Good night (1414) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it http://tfl.nu/8zt4
  Replies (15) Good night (7613) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is. http://tfl.nu/q4lm
  Replies (4) Good night (4543) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk. http://tfl.nu/e85f
  Replies (12) Good night (4544) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind. http://tfl.nu/e2m5
  Replies (25) Good night (4694) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings. http://tfl.nu/9pm8
  Replies (26) Good night (5654) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous. http://tfl.nu/druq
  Replies (3) Good night (1264) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12295) Bad night (1405) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all. http://tfl.nu/00r4
  Replies (13) Good night (2916) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships. http://tfl.nu/filq
  Replies (12) Good night (3736) Bad night (1044) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open. http://tfl.nu/kkl3
  Replies (23) Good night (14053) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record http://tfl.nu/mbk0
  Replies (5) Good night (1059) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down. http://tfl.nu/14pp
  Replies (6) Good night (3848) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
  Replies (13) Good night (7178) Bad night (1343) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je
  Replies (37) Good night (6783) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina. http://tfl.nu/6dr6
  Replies (8) Good night (3007) Bad night (790)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
  Replies (17) Good night (9090) Bad night (1070)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls http://tfl.nu/ukym
  Replies (1) Good night (1693) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea http://tfl.nu/8yui
  Replies (8) Good night (1161) Bad night (448) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge http://tfl.nu/5u98
  Replies (6) Good night (1042) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche? http://tfl.nu/avjw
  Replies (22) Good night (2895) Bad night (706)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men http://tfl.nu/fivt
  Replies (14) Good night (835) Bad night (1707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today http://tfl.nu/l6jz
  Replies (2) Good night (1048) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going... http://tfl.nu/liwq
  Replies (4) Good night (1276) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating. http://tfl.nu/k9pn
  Replies (9) Good night (700) Bad night (2152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget. http://tfl.nu/97ka
  Replies (7) Good night (1410) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid. (1-607): Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late. http://tfl.nu/e8gd
  Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer. http://tfl.nu/o6i1
  Replies (2) Good night (1149) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I didn't know

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday... (410): I didn't know http://tfl.nu/kzg0
  Replies (1) Good night (1389) Bad night (353)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): and on the seventh day, God created megan fox http://tfl.nu/yceo
  Replies (66) Good night (4014) Bad night (1338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
  Replies (41) Good night (11599) Bad night (1904) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me. http://tfl.nu/xhqm
  Replies (24) Good night (1675) Bad night (3400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk" http://tfl.nu/d5n3
  Replies (12) Good night (6859) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
  Replies (11) Good night (8328) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  What changed your mind?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Being sober

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): What changed your mind? (1-616): Being sober http://tfl.nu/yhh4
  Replies (3) Good night (1430) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form. http://tfl.nu/5xht
  Replies (4) Good night (971) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee. http://tfl.nu/zv29
  Replies (16) Good night (2604) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air". http://tfl.nu/l9as
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge http://tfl.nu/f69s
  Replies (5) Good night (1393) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot http://tfl.nu/1f93
  Replies (3) Good night (872) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): He was the one that got away. From my vagina. http://tfl.nu/504c
  Replies (8) Good night (1394) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass http://tfl.nu/wy91
  Replies (5) Good night (1330) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements. http://tfl.nu/p1je
  Replies (8) Good night (1312) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
  Replies (7) Good night (3076) Bad night (494)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess http://tfl.nu/xjsr
  Replies (3) Good night (2136) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues. http://tfl.nu/t5d7
  Replies (20) Good night (2156) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker. http://tfl.nu/umuy
  Replies (13) Good night (1231) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check http://tfl.nu/nnqt
  Replies (3) Good night (418) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
  Replies (51) Good night (25400) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ? http://tfl.nu/aya6
  Replies (11) Good night (1369) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line. http://tfl.nu/pkvq
  Replies (6) Good night (495) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels http://tfl.nu/mqc8
  Replies (8) Good night (1695) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

  (360): View more from Washington

  It was me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who. (360): It was me. http://tfl.nu/kgk9
  Replies (3) Good night (2538) Bad night (354)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka http://tfl.nu/m383
  Replies (5) Good night (834) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with. http://tfl.nu/sran
  Replies (13) Good night (2046) Bad night (3099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them http://tfl.nu/szer
  Replies (14) Good night (2283) Bad night (6275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc
  Replies (39) Good night (2313) Bad night (4850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left. http://tfl.nu/d68g
  Replies (24) Good night (3390) Bad night (1317) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm http://tfl.nu/hl7i
  Replies (37) Good night (9056) Bad night (1518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say. http://tfl.nu/fs2e
  Replies (70) Good night (10186) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
  Replies (24) Good night (12334) Bad night (1386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
  Replies (33) Good night (14240) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (55) Good night (15928) Bad night (1278)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
  Replies (37) Good night (9194) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old. http://tfl.nu/qc6x
  Replies (19) Good night (588) Bad night (5486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge http://tfl.nu/4szv
  Replies (15) Good night (669) Bad night (3347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters... http://tfl.nu/orhj
  Replies (1) Good night (876) Bad night (2522)
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life http://tfl.nu/57hm
  Replies (52) Good night (938) Bad night (6859) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals. http://tfl.nu/1tkg
  Replies (16) Good night (999) Bad night (4500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night http://tfl.nu/fbj4
  Replies (18) Good night (999) Bad night (3960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better. http://tfl.nu/6a1r
  Replies (2) Good night (1062) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

  (914): View more from New York

  that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back (914): that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart http://tfl.nu/d09e
  Replies (102) Good night (1540) Bad night (5369)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow. http://tfl.nu/e8dm
  Replies (7) Good night (2263) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady. http://tfl.nu/txg0
  Replies (6) Good night (2374) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails" http://tfl.nu/xka9
  Replies (6) Good night (2585) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
  Replies (17) Good night (3003) Bad night (624)
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him. http://tfl.nu/on87
  Replies (5) Good night (3078) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies http://tfl.nu/w2ol
  Replies (4) Good night (3039) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals http://tfl.nu/iisz
  Replies (15) Good night (3372) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore. http://tfl.nu/kjzo
  Replies (12) Good night (3686) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower. http://tfl.nu/bnhm
  Replies (10) Good night (3692) Bad night (959) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free http://tfl.nu/3j31
  Replies (8) Good night (4318) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis. http://tfl.nu/wydm
  Replies (16) Good night (4399) Bad night (607)
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud. http://tfl.nu/41vp
  Replies (7) Good night (4479) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I felt like a fucking code breaker.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night (334): I felt like a fucking code breaker. http://tfl.nu/6jh7
  Replies (17) Good night (5277) Bad night (508)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy. http://tfl.nu/p73q
  Replies (17) Good night (5424) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
  Replies (30) Good night (7039) Bad night (1043) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend. http://tfl.nu/659e
  Replies (12) Good night (2206) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life. http://tfl.nu/pdok
  Replies (12) Good night (588) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis http://tfl.nu/8a3h
  Replies (13) Good night (3193) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog. http://tfl.nu/rc38
  Replies (5) Good night (1595) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven. http://tfl.nu/uskg
  Replies (11) Good night (1789) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes. http://tfl.nu/9eez
  Replies (9) Good night (1672) Bad night (355)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever. http://tfl.nu/25nu
  Replies (6) Good night (1711) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo. http://tfl.nu/cdzc
  Replies (17) Good night (1293) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero http://tfl.nu/0ytb
  Replies (1) Good night (1545) Bad night (728)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

  (415): View more from California

  That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter. (415): That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere. http://tfl.nu/8y5r
  Replies (11) Good night (1800) Bad night (395)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM. http://tfl.nu/cuq6
  Replies (15) Good night (2513) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts http://tfl.nu/b2dg
  Replies (1) Good night (775) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own. http://tfl.nu/ehgs
  Replies (4) Good night (2485) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions. http://tfl.nu/ahrr
  Replies (3) Good night (960) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with. http://tfl.nu/a0xq
  Replies (13) Good night (1062) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent http://tfl.nu/399q
  Replies (5) Good night (1580) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity http://tfl.nu/dliq
  Replies (2) Good night (755) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
  Replies (5) Good night (4437) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle. http://tfl.nu/m2od
  Replies (11) Good night (2168) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag http://tfl.nu/a7zv
  Replies (5) Good night (1463) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors http://tfl.nu/1c0w
  Replies (7) Good night (1846) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor. http://tfl.nu/3ap9
  Replies (10) Good night (4778) Bad night (1412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

  (416): View more from Toronto

  That's about an "8" on normal scales.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him". (416): That's about an "8" on normal scales. http://tfl.nu/joyf
  Replies (7) Good night (2605) Bad night (809)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse http://tfl.nu/qtc9
  Replies (7) Good night (2092) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows. http://tfl.nu/qes9
  Replies (4) Good night (1435) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s
  Replies (13) Good night (2552) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way. http://tfl.nu/yh0e
  Replies (2) Good night (1283) Bad night (356)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

  (925): View more from California

  Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over? (925): Quite the smooth talker. There in 5. http://tfl.nu/ccg0
  Replies (7) Good night (3026) Bad night (423)
• Favorite

  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (340): I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS http://tfl.nu/sha5
  Replies (8) Good night (1088) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
  Replies (15) Good night (1772) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer. http://tfl.nu/1z92
  Replies (6) Good night (1014) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (6232) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches http://tfl.nu/88ib
  Replies (4) Good night (551) Bad night (1168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Strong 6

  (516): View more from New York

  That's an oxymoron.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck? (201): Strong 6 (516): That's an oxymoron. http://tfl.nu/n45n
  Replies (32) Good night (1232) Bad night (4234)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth http://tfl.nu/xnjt
  Replies (10) Good night (1215) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild. http://tfl.nu/q7pb
  Replies (4) Good night (1414) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
  Replies (11) Good night (8659) Bad night (1853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated. http://tfl.nu/dk0w
  Replies (11) Good night (1608) Bad night (704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony. http://tfl.nu/wqpi
  Replies (15) Good night (2142) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
  Replies (14) Good night (6164) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
  Replies (157) Good night (31341) Bad night (1140) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (380): View more from Ohio

  She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (380): She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time http://tfl.nu/cp8c
  Replies (5) Good night (1047) Bad night (2494)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws" http://tfl.nu/3sed
  Replies (3) Good night (3149) Bad night (1022) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy. http://tfl.nu/cdg1
  Replies (10) Good night (635) Bad night (1389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar http://tfl.nu/m9rj
  Replies (6) Good night (1109) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday. http://tfl.nu/3qlk
  Replies (4) Good night (1394) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
  Replies (4) Good night (2423) Bad night (816)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
  Replies (11) Good night (13073) Bad night (1092)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick. http://tfl.nu/npkp
  Replies (43) Good night (7899) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  She went from zero to smokin in five shots

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): She went from zero to smokin in five shots http://tfl.nu/1faz
  Replies (1) Good night (2058) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend. http://tfl.nu/2nlp
  Replies (2) Good night (1898) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aren't they always?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit" (1-610): Aren't they always? http://tfl.nu/6oqg
  Replies (1) Good night (1482) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
  Replies (35) Good night (8115) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
  Replies (22) Good night (7025) Bad night (762)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair. http://tfl.nu/a313
  Replies (2) Good night (755) Bad night (1531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  "people in the room" being me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine. (336): "people in the room" being me. http://tfl.nu/hpsj
  Replies (12) Good night (5434) Bad night (1125)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/jhvn
  Replies (12) Good night (1547) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun http://tfl.nu/oe4f
  Replies (9) Good night (897) Bad night (1766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers http://tfl.nu/b7h6
  Replies (6) Good night (414) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage http://tfl.nu/ka66
  Replies (9) Good night (1982) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay. http://tfl.nu/09z9
  Replies (10) Good night (2008) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today. http://tfl.nu/74x0
  Replies (5) Good night (1003) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I stand by my new policy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots. (334): I stand by my new policy. http://tfl.nu/bu7l
  Replies (4) Good night (1238) Bad night (400)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way http://tfl.nu/eve3
  Replies (9) Good night (2359) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power. http://tfl.nu/ot62
  Replies (4) Good night (1492) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone http://tfl.nu/qd6w
  Replies (31) Good night (2172) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
  Replies (24) Good night (8125) Bad night (1180)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up http://tfl.nu/7l2l
  Replies (4) Good night (1652) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

  (1-714): View more from California

  This is why we're friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Mandatory 420 Adventure Time. (1-714): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/cnbi
  Replies (5) Good night (1731) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per." http://tfl.nu/jili
  Replies (6) Good night (3929) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking. http://tfl.nu/uhxv
  Replies (15) Good night (1502) Bad night (5052) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way http://tfl.nu/nq2f
  Replies (26) Good night (5555) Bad night (1453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone http://tfl.nu/tam4
  Replies (4) Good night (1008) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g
  Replies (25) Good night (7828) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient http://tfl.nu/4t82
  Replies (1) Good night (1586) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it! http://tfl.nu/qsog
  Replies (10) Good night (2110) Bad night (487)
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  ...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): ...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere. http://tfl.nu/gwb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2242) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged http://tfl.nu/ocss
  Replies (4) Good night (1466) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes http://tfl.nu/99as
  Replies (5) Good night (1644) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to http://tfl.nu/lehr
  Replies (8) Good night (1361) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired. http://tfl.nu/up5u
  Replies (14) Good night (645) Bad night (3618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
  Replies (10) Good night (2412) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock. http://tfl.nu/6tse
  Replies (15) Good night (1562) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Think I pulled my pelvic muscle. (416): I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle. http://tfl.nu/mzl9
  Replies (6) Good night (1867) Bad night (526)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June http://tfl.nu/abqo
  Replies (16) Good night (1809) Bad night (1775) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (544): View more from

  I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (544): I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling. http://tfl.nu/vpgy
  Replies (10) Good night (1572) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
  Replies (18) Good night (4017) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever. http://tfl.nu/tgjb
  Replies (5) Good night (1134) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (22) Good night (5099) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name. http://tfl.nu/zb1x
  Replies (10) Good night (543) Bad night (1577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst. http://tfl.nu/4se8
  Replies (16) Good night (1162) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (107): View more from

  That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (107): That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog. http://tfl.nu/02iq
  Replies (8) Good night (1171) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit. http://tfl.nu/71x6
  Replies (11) Good night (2006) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time" http://tfl.nu/be6i
  Replies (11) Good night (4229) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it http://tfl.nu/giry
  Replies (7) Good night (732) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
  Replies (7) Good night (2026) Bad night (708)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover. http://tfl.nu/7xqn
  Replies (10) Good night (563) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past. http://tfl.nu/8nfc
  Replies (3) Good night (1353) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street http://tfl.nu/sbee
  Replies (13) Good night (4414) Bad night (1369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing. http://tfl.nu/7ema
  Replies (11) Good night (604) Bad night (1587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
  Replies (10) Good night (733) Bad night (3055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure. http://tfl.nu/jrrk
  Replies (21) Good night (714) Bad night (5015) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half. http://tfl.nu/df8e
  Replies (27) Good night (4221) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer http://tfl.nu/7yso
  Replies (10) Good night (5376) Bad night (1130) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
  Replies (118) Good night (45007) Bad night (3407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (49141) Bad night (2059) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight. http://tfl.nu/5wwv
  Replies (46) Good night (6825) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi
  Replies (12) Good night (7012) Bad night (850)