Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
its not stalking. its research.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!