He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.