She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Nicole vs. Life
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.