He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
