Texts From Last Night · Cheltz's Favorites

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Cheltz's Favorites Texts:

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(785): View more from Kansas

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(513): View more from Ohio

I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?

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(253): View more from Washington

I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She wants to have naked weekends

(541): View more from Oregon

They call that free range vagina in France

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(509): View more from Washington

Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.

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(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(713): View more from Texas

I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

(386): View more from Florida

It really is the softest mustache

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(714): View more from California

the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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(586): View more from Michigan

and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(928): View more from Arizona

proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors

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(518): View more from New York

I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(+61): View more from Australia

she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(205): View more from Alabama

I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(925): View more from California

Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(903): View more from Texas

So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(513): View more from Ohio

College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My vagina supports interfraternal relations

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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(216): View more from Ohio

When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(408): View more from California

sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.

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(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(720): View more from Colorado

No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I think mounting someone proves who's house this is

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(408): View more from California

I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(316): View more from Kansas

He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him

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(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(509): View more from Washington

i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(409): View more from Texas

You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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(713): View more from Texas

Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(315): View more from New York

We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.

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(314): View more from Missouri

one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

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(561): View more from Florida

Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(816): View more from Missouri

I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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(520): View more from Arizona

I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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