Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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